Your April Fools

Rather than plan some convoluted prank, whereby a three way trade occurs involving Jamarcus Russell/Jay Cutler/Matt Cassel, followed by uproariously heckling you to death for being a dimwitted sucka....we'll go ahead and merely present you with a potpourri of ninnies, donkeys, and chowder heads. We begin with an ode to Mrs. C (lucky Follower #13) who despises to no end the "Errand Boy of Giselle"....

One forever tarnished his image to achieve the slightest of advantages....an advantage his team probably did not need. The other poses for magazine layouts....do we even need to elaborate...look at this guy....how much more money does a human need?

Cutler is banging the drum to bolt Denver, A-Rod's banging Madonna and these are just both foolish choices. Cutler will wind up in Detroit where homes are going for $17k and Madonna was touched by Dennis Rodman (do the six degrees deal and A-Rod's in danger of acquiring a lifelong downstairs neighbor......and his ex-wife is going to take most of his money......and he's on the DL......and he won't be going to the Hall of Fame......foolish).

If you wanted people to cower in the wake of your Patriotism you could have gone with the lapel flag pin.

Foolish choices gentlemen. Foolish indeed. A jersey can last a lifetime too, ya just gotta take care of it.

Your April's Fools...

Passion Overfloweth: More Patriot Hate E-Mail

Don't feel bad....you're not the only one who wants Bill Belichick dead! So does Sawyer and Pittsburgh Steelers Blog, One For The Other Thumb.

If you can stomach the fact that its author is reveling in two Super Bowl victories over the last four years we encourage you to check it out. Very in-depth commentary/analysis and ridiculously adept at Photo-Shop.
[One for the Other Thumb]

Here's another addition of Patriot Hate E-Mail. Our #1 critic has been conspicuously absent from my email in-box.......so here are some jousts from a few weeks back.

Tom's BC (a mutually agreed upon alias)

Jack Murphy's Avengers, LMFAO, they should ban that dump, it's never produced one winner. Look, I have no problem with jumping on a cause and getting passionate about it, but for fuck sakes man, your city needs to actually win something at least once every 25, 35 or 45 years??? San Diego is LOSERVILLE in sports, your pathetic fan base cannot even sellout the home opener or even a (LMFAO) ever so rare, playoff game. But don't worry, if the AFC West wasn't a completely fraudulant, crap division, your overrated, WHINYASS, PUNKASS team would have never made the playoffs u DBAG. [sic]

A.I.Chief : Your Friendly Blog Admin.
FYI-I actually can't control whether our teams win or lose. I'm also unable to control who shows up to games. And while I can't argue that the AFC West was horribly shocking this year, you should really look in the mirror and accept an indisputable truth: In sixteen games the Chargers looked good precisely three times....two of those times were when they mopped the floor with AFC East teams....Front-Runner.

Of course you can't control whether your teams win or not or who shows up, Captain Obvious but that doesn't change the fact that SD is the 2cnd worst sports city in the US (MSN poll from 2008, look it up). Now your showing your typical Dolts sissy powder blue colors, you go be proud of that early regular season win, if that makes you feel all warm and cozy about your whiny, overrated Dolts. See, here's the difference between the Patriots and the Dolts, the Dolts get all worked up over wins like that and the Pats are only satisfied with winning Super Bowls. Dude, just compare HC's, Pats have BB, the single greatest footbal mind in the league and the BEST coach the in the NFL, ever. Show me another coach that's won 3 SB's in the salary cap era, I'll save you the work, there are none. Meanwhile the head Dolt is a NOOOOOORV, case closed. I will taunt you as long as you keep this pathetic site up you DBAG. [sic]

I see you're still using your same ol' material (2008 MSN Poll) to try and validate yourself while condemning SD. Why would someone need validation when their city's teams have been essentially dominating the sports landscape over the last eight years? Captain obvious says, "Yer a poser!". You jumped on the bandwagon late and in a sport obsessed city of Boston you have to try and one-up the other die-hards. I get it. Surprised though as I thought you would have taken a day off after your Celts dropped ANOTHER game to an LA team. You probably weren't aware of it though, because you are a poser. Oh yea that's right just a meaningless reg. season game. The Oct 12th meeting btwn. the Bolts and Cheats was meaningless, agreed, until.....you missed the playoffs by a margin of one game. The site's not going anywhere. It's astonishing how many people hate the Patriots and their fans. I met a lot of guys like you when I went to Foxborough. They talk extraordinarily tough but in the end its just talk.. "Fack you, you fackin' powdah blue wearin' quee-uhs. Yar Chah-juhs kan't hold the Pats' fackin' jawk-strap. Ahh Coach is a Gawd. Ahh QB is a Gawd. and Giselle is a Gawdess!? You ARE the personification of the Bahhston caricature. Keep it comin', Clown

Good times with hate banter. This is a relationship that needs special care and attention.

Do you remember what this Patriot cheerleader was fired for?

Matt Cassel Traded to the AFC West

USC's Matt Cassel, along with LB Mike Vrabel, have been shipped to the Kansas City Chiefs by the New England Patriots for a rack of ribs and presumably 2009 draft picks (2nd only?) ....

How does this affect the landscape of the AFC West? What about the Patriots now having the Bolts' 2nd rounder as well as the Chiefs'?

ESPN Reports...Click
Boston Globe Reports...Click
Crazy Patriot Fans React Comically...Click
Tom Brady destroys career (Thank You) with Giselle marriage...Click

Dear Patriot Tears #33

Giants 17
Patriots 14

February 6th, 2008

Dear Patriot Tears,

We hope tonight rekindled that warm fuzzy feeling that overcame you on the first Sunday of February last year.

Bill should have worn the gray hoodie....never fuck with a winning combination.

Dear Patriot Tears #32

"NFL hosed the Pats again. Once the NFL switched the Jets game out of the 1pm time slot the Pats were done. The Jets (and their fans) knew they had no chance to make the playoffs by halftime due to the blowout in Baltimore. All three of those games should have been played at the same time. Favre is a stiff and a fraud. If he just retired this past offseason, Dolphins would have had 5 wins and Mangini would have led the Jets to the same 9-7 record."

Posted by K-man December 28, 08 08:01 PM

Dear Patriot Tears,

That was kind of BS to switch the starting times of those games, and we also feel the need to shed a tear over this one. If the Pats would have won the AFC East we would have been assured of playing the Patriots during the 2009 regular season but we now get the Fins instead. We live for the opportunity to beat the Patriots and hear the sweet cries of New England fan but it wasn't to be........so we'll instead have to settle for a pretty nice consolation prize: the incessant moans of a team who was edged out of the 2008 playoffs. To the observant fan, Jet and Favre cries are always accompanied by those sirens we know as....the Pussycat Dolls. Enjoy...

Dear Patriot Tears #31

"Oh well if Jabar catches that ball in Indy, different story."

Posted by mike December 28, 08 07:53 PM

Dear Patriot Tears,

Speaking of different stories...if that 8-8 team out of San Diego doesn't crush you 30-10 then you really have no problem making it to the playoffs.

Also if Jabar Gafney doesn't make that great catch last season to beat the Ravens then you wouldn't have finished the 2007 regular season 16-0.....of course a loss may have taken the pressure off of your team and the Super Bowl may have had a different outcome....so Gafney has fucked you in consecutive seasons? Nice...

Dear Patriot Tears #30

"Even until the end of the game after Favre had single handedly lost the game, Sims was still singing his praises....What is the media's deal with this guy? Was he not watching the same game? Most overrated athlete in sports."

Posted by Favre is a fraud December 28, 08 07:52 PM

Dear Patriot Tears,

Great screen name. We'll agree with Brett Favre being overrated and then thank you for continuing to cry about how he cost you a playoff spot and how your 30-10 loss to the Chargers had nothing to do with it. Jets...Favre...Pussycat Dolls...a winning combination-well at least the Pussycat Dolls are.

Dear Patriot Tears #29

"Brett Farve sucks. Always has, except for his first year in 87 when he beat the pats. He's not a gamer. He always throws interceptions in important games. He always tries to force the ball. He has no brain. No smarts for the game. He's not a "Wrangler" guy. He's a dickhead in real life. Why people have loved this guy is a complete mystery to me. I hope he never gets in the hall of fame. Brett is a loser forever and a disgrace to football. A disgrace to the Jets. A disgrace to the Green Bay Packers and a did I mention a dick head in real life? Stuck up ass."

Posted by TJ December 28, 08 07:48 PM

Dear Patriot Tears

Oh, where to begin, TJ:

• Favre beat the Pats in the Superbowl XXXI....played in '97 not '87.
• It was not Brett Favre's first season.
• Merriam-Webster Definition of 'Gamer'--Someone who plays in spite of injuries.
  
• "He's not a 'Wrangler' guy. He's a dickhead....." Doesn't wearing Wranglers make you a dickhead?
• You'll be wasting your time hoping Favre misses out on the Hall of Fame....of course I hoped a lot during Christmas of '85 and a Skateboard miraculously showed up....heck, give it a go!
• Yes. You did mention he was a dickhead in real life....
• Did we mention that Jets/Favre tears = Pussycat Dolls?

Dear Patriot Tears #28/Great Moments in Super Bowl History Edition

Dear Patriot Tears,

Yea, so the anniversary of this Super Bowl Loss was yesterday but we didn't want to pile on. It was a crappy game. Go Desmond Howard...

Additional Thoughts on Great Moments in Super Bowl History: SB XX

The Architects...Carried Off In Glory

Super Bowl XX was the last game I enjoyed as a resident of Chicago. A few weeks earlier my father had taken me to the Divisional Round playoff game versus LT and the New York Football Giants. It was windy...the Landetta Punt. It was cold...I'm missing three fingers below the second knuckle due to frostbite. Well that's not true but it was extremely cold. The Monsters of the Midway shut out Phil Simms and little Joe Morris 20-0.

Deep down inside I was frightened at the prospect of having to play the Dolphins and Dan Marino's 1985/'86 Perm. That thing was curly and boy could he sling the ball. We were 17-1 and getting ready for a Super Bowl which was sure to have, as its storyline: "Can the Bears avenge their only loss of the season?"

I couldn't imagine what a painfully long winter it would be knowing that we were at the brink of greatness but failed. Long winters become colder and darker when you ponder such things.

The Vengeance card would not be played. The Dolphins were miraculously upset by a Wild Card New England team that traveled to Miami, and in a torrential downpour, eked out a win.

I suppose as a little kid I was happy that our chances at winning a Super Bowl were exponentially increased by not having to face Dan Marino's perm. I mean what did I even know about the Patriots? They had two Quarterbacks: one from the University of Illinois and the other, a fossil who wore a neck brace. I knew who Craig James, Irving Fryar and Andre Tippett were....and I also knew there was no chance we would lose that game.

We quickly found ourselves down, 0-3, and we collectively shit ourselves. Then the power went out so we went ahead and pissed ourselves. Our parents were at a Super Bowl party which left us to call up a friend's mom so we could be transported to the other side of town where the power was still on. When we arrived north of the tracks the Bears were ahead and they never looked back. I remember being euphoric but a little upset at the Patriots scoring that final TD. 46-3 had been looking so majestic...

We moved shortly there after and I remained a Bear fan. My allegiance began to fade in the mid-nineties and I found myself in "fan purgatory".....not knowing who to root for.

Upon reflection, I not only keenly remember the fantastic feeling of being in a city with a Super Bowl Champ but I also find myself bitter. Bitter that the Bears did not have the opportunity to avenge their only defeat in 1985. We have the New England Patriots to blame for that...

Dear Patriot Tears #27/ Great Moments in Super Bowl History Edition

Dear Patriot Tears

On January 26th, 1986 The Monsters of the Midway defeated a cute little upstart team from Massachusetts 46-10. The game was not that close.

Dear Patriot Tears #26

"Hell of a year ,thanks for the memories Great Job Men ! Hey you cant be that bummed out look at the big picture. the greatest sports city around bar nun ! GO BRUINS, CELTICS !!!!!!!"

Posted by m.mc. December 28, 08 07:47 PM

Dear Patriot Tears,

Yer the greatest city, blah, blah, blah.

FYI-When you posted this tear back on 12/28 the Celtics were coming off of a Christmas Day loss to the Los Angeles Lakers...we believe it was only the Celtics third loss of the year. How many losses do you have today (and were you following the Celts before the 2008 revival?)?

The Bruins haven't done a thing in years......but here they are in 1st place......and Boston's following them again.

You are a GREAT baseball city but bandwagon for the rest of the sports!

Do the Bruins have a dance squad?

Dear Patriot Tears #25

"Brett, throw and pray, Favre, strikes again."

Posted by -nyys December 28, 08 07:47 PM

Dear Patriot Tears,

More Favre.......wash away your tears with the lead singer of the Pussycat Dolls.

Remember, Patriot Fan....every time you cry about Favre and the Jets you get the Pussycat Dolls. Consoling aren't they?

Dear Patriot Tears #24

It's all right...I fackin' pissed myself to keep wahhm.

Dear Patriot Tears

How about some tears regarding the Cardinals entry into the Superbowl? A brilliant parody of your fan base exists with regularity over at the Kissing Suzy Kolber site. Click Here to go and READ most accurately what a Boston accent SOUNDS like and also how moronic a majority of their sports nation is.

It is seriously one of the funniest things you will read....

Most funny if you have ever seen a game in Foxborough, Massachusetts.

Least funny if you are from Massachusetts and are not a dickhead ..... like the ones we met in Foxborough, Massachusetts.

This does not include my good friend from Boston who we creatively nicknamed "Boston" back during the season they eventually lost to the Packers in the Super Bowl.

Enjoy the Idiot Patriot Fan creation of Drew Magrary @ KSK...

Dear Patriot Tears #23

"Yeah, I'd much rather watch 8-8 Arizona or 8-8 San Diego than the Pats, whose brilliant coach once again showed why he is light years ahead of every one of his peers, by punting on third down and calling timeouts in the first quarter, with the wind at his back. Think any other pro coach would have gotten 11 wins if his MVP QB went down in Week 1? Not Dungy, not Tomlin, not any of them. Belichick is the greatest coach of all time, and I'm proud to be a Pats fan because of him."

Posted by RAY G December 28, 08 07:46 PM

Dear Patriot Tears,

The Chargers blew the Patriots out so stop the comparisons. Belichick is a genius....he seems most capable at Positioning his team and himself perfectly at every turn.....plus he's been on Jeopardy...only Deities make it there.

Dear Patriot Tears #22

"AS IF I DIDN'T ALREADY HATE THE JETS ENOUGH... What a disappointment. The fact that the Pats' chances for a post season came down to the final week says a lot about their character and will to win. At least the Jets are out too, even though that is a small consolation."

Posted by Jed1967 December 28, 08 07:46 PM

Dear Patriot Tears,

Let's call a time out.....nearly everyone of these tears was shed after the Jets/Favre blew it and the Pats were eliminated which means there will be a lot of Jet/Favre material as part of this segment. Since the most hate was directed at the Favre led Jets so it seemed necessary to go to an internet gallery and obtain as many Brett Favre pictures as possible.......which brings us to the Pussycat Dolls. In the margin of the particular gallery we were scanning we saw the aforementioned Dolls in some sort of advertisement and came to the following conclusion: Tears about The Jets/Brett Favre= Images of the Pussycat Dolls. This will serve two purposes for We:

1. Myriad Jet/Favre tears will at least be accompanied by a nice picture.
2. WE will see how long WE can go with looking at this girl group yet remain completely oblivious to any member outside of the lead singer.....seriously.....if I was mugged by any of the other 5 members (I had to scroll up and look at the picture because I was sure that there was only 4 other members...wow...blinders!) and got a perfect look at their faces I absolutely would not be able to identify them as members of The Pussycat Dolls. Yes, the lead singer is that Hot....
   

Perhaps the pictures will make the tears more tolerable....perhaps not. I managed to miss the deadline for my NFL pool 3 times this season so it shouldn't be long here before I miss a day...take solace in that.

Dear Patriot Tears #21

"I hate Brett Fav-re with every ounce of my being. At no point in that game did I think the Jets could win. All Fav-re has been is a decent QB for a long time. Far from one of the greatest as many people think. In fact, he is one of the most overrated of all time. Whenever there is an important game he either chokes or sucks. That being said, thanks Pats for putting on a great show all year. It's been fun."

Posted by I hate the Jets December 28, 08 07:45 PM

Dear Patriot Tears,

Oh how I pine for the day that this segment will end. I beg of you God.....please bring the Patriot, Brett Favre rants to an end......why have you forsaken me?

Dear Patriot Tears #20

"just lost the wrong games...as Belichick always says it is the divisional and conference games that matter the most. Great season despite not making the playoffs...they will need to franchise Cassel with Brady's future in doubt for the beginning of 09.

Farve is sooooooooooooooooooooo overrated. Why anyone would say he is a top 5 or even top 10 QB is beyond me. In the clutch the last 5 years he is aweful The picks today is a symbol of who is really is."

Posted by Mark December 28, 08 07:45 PM

Dear Patriot Tears,

Favre is overrated. That being said, it must be all the more painful to reflect on the outcome of Super Bowl XXXI.....of course, you probably weren't a fan then anyway. Happy MLK day.

Dear Patriot Tears #19

"9 minutes to go in game, Jets down by 7points and camera pans to Brett Favre, arms crossed. He had given up. Way to go Brett!!! 9 minutes left...."

Posted by Chewbacca December 28, 08 07:45 PM

Dear Patriot Tears,

An expert on Body language! Arms crossed=Given up!

Chewbacca......are you the little blond body language expert Bill O'Reilly has on The Factor a couple times a week? Great analysis...if you aren't that blond, I would contemplate a career change. J-E-T-S, JETS, JET, JETS.....

Editor's note:
O'Reilly picture comes from his days at Inside Edition. This picture of Bill is one in which he is throwing a hissy fit and shedding a tear....thought it to be perfect for this post.

Dear Patriot Tears #18

"whats cassels franchise tag #?"

Posted by dick johnson December 28, 08 07:44 PM

Dear Patriot Tears,

Excellent....wait a minute....Dick Johnson?.....I get it!...Clever sign in name and an Excellent Question!! You must find out the amount because pictured to the right is the "Former Almost Mrs. Zoolander" and she's sure to ruin Brady-Zoolander's career. Ya see, that engagement between Brady and Giselle that allegedly happened on Christmas Eve, just became official ...again.

So, Pat Fan, if you think a former actress is gonna let one of the most powerful Supermodels in the world raise her son.....to speak Portuguese!!! ..... you've got another thing coming. Get ready for Moynihan to make Brady's life a living hell!!!! He'll be one of the most distracted Dad's in the NFL......and if he's not......then we guess he's a deadbeat dad....like Bird......low blow!

In short.....keep Cassel.