From Bennifer to Mannywood

I took time out to think yesterday.

Yes. Between strategy sessions for boosting Jessica Alba's Thighnal Four possibilities I began to think about something other than the Memphis Tigers-like thrashing Ms. Alba was being served in the 2009 Hot Ladies Tournament. Let us be candid....while the hot ladies are good sport we needed something with, I don't know, a little more balls....

Like a spider monkey cavorting down the avenues of my mind came the following: Bennifer-Brangelina- TomKat -BenJen-Billary......oh please stop, mind..... the dreaded celebrity super-couple uni-name. I curse that Masshole Ben Affleck and J-Lo for ever opening the door to overexposed combo names..... but the real question is why on Earth would that inane topic be blighting my mind?

Which brings us full circle to sports and the current union of names: Manny Ramirez and Hollywood went forth, fornicated and left us with the dirty afterbirth known as: Mannywood.

I thought of the idiocy of this combo-name in great detail yesterday: great detail constituted 1 minute and 29 seconds where my thought's exclamation point was a resounding, "Fuck'n' Hell!". Does everything need to be reduced to a cute little name? Apparently so. Such a creative lot are we. But what I didn't realize was that the cutsie name was actually a LAtrine promotion. When did I find this out? Well today of course.....

Manny Ramirez was suspended for a whopping 50 games for steroids! Another fraud exposed.

I don't think Manny could get wood.....hence the female fertility drug.... ahhh, the side effects of steroids.

According to ESPN 800 Mannywood is the left field section where Jag-offs can purchase an overpriced ticket ($99--clever) and a Manny T-shirt. What to do Los Angeles, now that your Pajama wearing LF is on the rack trying to get his testicles to return to normal without using a banned female fertility drug? The Los Angeles Times reported and we copied and pasted:

Ramirez tested positive during spring training for "a banned performance-enhancing substance that is not technically an anabolic steroid," according to a source not authorized to speak publicly about the issue.

The substance, identified by the source as human chorionic gonadotropin (HCG), could legitimately be prescribed for a man who does not naturally produce enough testosterone, according to a high-ranking sports doping authority. But HCG often is used as an antidote to diminished testosterone levels at the end of a cycle of steroid treatments, said BALCO founder and convicted steroid dealer Victor Conte.

HCG is one of dozens of substances prohibited under baseball's drug policy. Players can call a hotline to check on the legality of any substances, and they can obtain a therapeutic use exemption for any legitimate medical use of a banned substance.

"This is failing more than a drug test," Conte said. "This is failing an IQ test.

Well....my friend Boston (from Boston) always said, "Manny's a fucking moron!". That was even when the Sox were winning a 2007 World Series.

The truly sad part of this entire ordeal is not that one more hero of our generation* has fallen, disgracing himself and our National Pastime but that, absent Manny Ramirez, the Padres STILL don't have a chance at the division!!

What's up with Edwin Moreno? That guy was clearly decomposing at the bottom of the dumpster that Kevin Towers found him in.

*The greatest right handed hitter in the game....it's not quite Pujols yet....very close though.....did you know that Albert Pujols carries a Louis Vitton man purse? Saw it with my own two eyes as he walked through the Gaslamp in 2006. Es La Verdad.)

Yah Fackin' Season's ovuh...But it's Wedding Season!

Is that "center for kids who can't read good and who want to learn to do other stuff good too" finished yet?

We now know that the only things worth talking about in the greater New England Area today are:

1. How bad, "they-uh gettin' fackin' rawbbed by nawt makin the playawwfs!"
2. The health of Tom Brady's knee (He is currently behind schedule)
3. The Christmas Eve engagement of Tom Brady and Giselle.

New Englanders are passionate about all of their sport teams...especially when they're doing well (how many are claiming the Bruins right now?). But the other thing they are passionate about is Tom Brady. How awesome he is in every way. How they would love to be him and have his life, etc.,etc. The passion for Tom Terrific begs the following question:
Hey Massholes! How do you feel about Tom Brady's engagement to, arguably, the biggest Super Model in the world?

We sent out a correspondent to RT's Long Board Bar and Grill, local Masshole hangout, during the Pats/Bills game Sunday morning. We sent in one of their own so that we could get the most truthful responses. Said correspondent used a tape recorder and HTP edited the statements to reflect the New England accent but kept the integrity of the original statement intact. The following commentary is telling and shows that the West Coast devotion to Sporting Heroes pails in comparison to that of the East Coast.

Our Patsie...No bribes of lobstah or chowdah...just Sam Adams Laguhh....Truth imitates Stereotypes.

We put these in by the order in which they were received. We were going to do a top ten list but the idiocy of the statements resonates best untouched. Enjoy the ridiculousness that is ALL of the transplants living in San Diego...

It's already established that if I could be someone else I'd be Tawm. So, awbviously, I would want Giselle as my wife.

I'd be hawnuhd to be Mrs. Tawm Brady.

I sar this comin' a mile away! What took so long!

Gawds should marry Gawdesses

They-uh kids sure will look outta place in Beantown...Fah to fackin attractive!

Next Lawgical step for Patriot Nation: Brazil. You Watch, Kraft will get us they-uh.

With the downturn in the ecawnomy and all of aww wahhs...it's nice to hear a pawsitive .

This marriage is a fackin sham! A Gawd should not cawmitt his seed to one woman! We need mahh little Tawms out there!

I can't believe Tawm is hittin' the baux that that queeuh Dicaprio once hit.

To think...if Bridgett Moynihan was a little mahh hawt...mahh like a mawduhl...we wouldn't be tawkin' about this crap.

They-uh the new Camelawt. Fahh-get Jack, Bawbby, Ted, Jawn-Jawn, and the whole lawt of them Kennedys. Tawm and Giselle...Patriot fans' Camelawt.

Yah...Plus the Old Camelawt gave us gay marriage...fackin' liberal facks...they-uh the reason that every diatribe of mine includes the words, homo, queeuh, fruitcake or ankle-grabbuh. To the New Camelawt.

Its like Prince Charles and Lady Diana gettin married...they-uh fackin royalty.

If they had been married a yee-uh ago they coulda challenged Obawma for the White House.

I told all you fackin' fags he wasn't a fackin' queeuh!

They will not be teaching yahh kids in school about his marriage since they only teach about homosexual marriage in Mass. schools.

Trade him. Cassel is bettuh anyways.

Question is...will she adopt his bastuhd child?

Do ya think they'll serve chawdah at the wedding?

Is Tom Brady's knee healing? Would the impending marriage affect Brady's play? Will he be the QB next year or will they hand the keys to the younger Matt Cassel?

These are questions Bahston fan will be asking each other as they cry into their beers this winter. Before they seriously ask these questions however, they will gripe and protest like they haven't griped and protested since the early 1770s......about what you ask?

Massholes' problem is how badly they have been wronged by missing the playoffs with an 11-5 record and how a lowly 8-8 team made it in over them...THE OUTRAGE! As we recall, this 8-8 team took you out to the wood shed and gave you a beating that was much worse than 30-10....so go ahead and think about that loss while you're scrapin' your windshield tomorrow morning, waitin' for your engine to warm up...

Let's do this 15 more times! If we can manage to overcome this horrible defeat and win...let's say, arbitrarily, 11 contests...then we will be the victors, and you shall take your army and leave this continent forever! Agreed!