Almost Masshole of the Week 16

After having sat out the entire season to surf and perfect the crappy menu at Seau's the restaurant (only order Mama Seau's Teriyaki bowls...all else is shiite)....The Genius finally called. Seau proved his mettle by compiling five unassisted tackles and adding two assists against the useless team from the desert. Then a Masshole jumped out of the stands and tackled/humped/hugged him...

Photos:Matthew West (Boston Herald)

The Masshole's name is Todd Kobus and he's from a place called Attleboro, Mass. We only know it to be a breeding ground for Massholes...the kind that like to "hug" 250 lb Samoans. According to his attorney he only wanted a hug.

HateThePatriots also obtained an audio transcript of Kobus addressing the judge during his arraignment:

Kobus: Yaw Honuh....I am an Iraq Wah veteran and I wahd nevuh do something to disgrace the Unifahm of this fine cahntry. I've always been a Patriot! Whethuh I was tawchin a hawstile village or rootin on my team to Faw Supah Bowl victories...that's right Yaw Honuh, I'm countin' the 16-0 regulah season of '07 cuz Gawd knows we shoulda won it. My point is that I'm a Patriot.

Now I'd like to be released becawwz I've done my time as it puhtains to the Gawd Awful numbuh of times I've been called a homo or queeuh due to said Huggin incident. Queeuh? To the fackin' cawn-tra-e! The fackin' truth is that i needed to get to Juni-uh to tell him that I fackin love him, in the least homo way pawssible, and that I am fackin unbelievably happy that Gawd (Belichick) brawt him back frahhm all those homos and queeuhs in Cali----specifically those powdah blue wearin' queeuhs who suppawt the Cha-juhhs. In summation Yaw Honuh...The hug was fah the respect I have fah Juni-uh Seau and I am NAWT as QUEEUH as a GAWD DAMN three dollah bill.

Judge: This is a court of law. I would hold you in contempt if I didn't think you were retarded.

Kobus: Yaw Honuh...as Gawd as my witness, I am NAWT RETAH-DED, NAW am I Gay-uh than a fackin' Christmas tree! Unfahr-tunately...I pah-took in too many Lah-guhs. Fah too many.

This nonsense goes on and on and we started to feel as though the Almost Masshole of the Week was being awarded for the wrong reasons. Sure this guy is a Masshole but would we really benefit in any way from Junior getting taken out? Do we just have a grudge against the menu at Seau's the restaurant? These are questions to ponder......for now, Todd Kobus is The Almost Masshole of the Week!

The only thing worth ordering...Holy shit did the price go up on that! Mama?

How about a nice...football!

Dear Santa,

We know you're busy but we'd like to revise our previous Christmas list. First you provided us with The Marvel in Arrowhead and then came the Chargers win last week against the Bucs and you then proceeded to cause the Donkeys to choke one off at home versus Tim Russert's Bills.

But with only a couple days left we must get in our final requests....and there are only three requests that we have so we think you might be able to accommodate us...

1. A Charger Victory on December 28th (cheap tickets would be great but that is neither here nor there) against the Denver Broncos. Help us into the playoffs and please help the Donkeys complete the greatest collapse in the history of the NFL.
2. The New England Patriots finishing with a 11-5 record...but MISSING THE PLAYOFFS! We'll leave off the required scenarios and chain reactions that must occur for this to happen, but trust us when we say...THE WORLD NEEDS THIS TO HAPPEN!
   
3. Finally......Santa.......well our Denver Donkey Voodoo Snowman melted when the sun came out yesterday...and so we need another Voodoo doll.....please!?

We've tried to be good this year and we know it's last minute but if you could find the time to read our list and grant us these wishes, we'd be very thankful. Enjoy your milk and cookies that Mrs. Avenger-in-Chief leaves out for you.

Thank you

The Avenger-in-Chief
(post your wishes in the comments section)

One-in-a-Row:Part II of a III Part Series

USD......Jesus is on our side...and by "our" I mean ALL of San Diego

It might be December but it sure is starting to feel like March Madness.

The Chargers face elimination on Sunday and must win to survive and advance. They/We are simultaneously hoping that a league rival will blow it thus leaving the door open for us to gain an automatic entry into the big tourney....we're like that miserable, generic Mid-Major conference team named Middle South Eastern State College of Tennessee who currently carries a 12-18 record but could actually make it into the Dance as the 65th seed by winning their conference tourney.

Meanwhile you have the Power Conference teams who sit on the bubble because even though their record is good....it's not good enough for their own league (See: New England Patriots). When their bubble bursts they'll scream bloody murder that the scourge of the earth made it to the tourney with such a shoddy record.....C'est la vie...Bahston Fahckah!

I can't say I've ever been so excited about the prospect of watching a morning game that we have no business winning in the EST zone then viewing and praying for a miracle flop in the afternoon by The Little Hillbilly all so we can have a chance at a December 28th showdown with the Donks for the AFC West Title.......One-in-a-Row, take two! Pure Madness!

Missed class....Don't tell mom...I'm also fucking the Face Painter

Hapless Raiders, Almost Massholes, and Tom Brady

We recognized Patriot QB Matt Cassel as our Almost Masshole of the Week yesterday for his 4 touchdown performance against the *Hapless Raiders after his father had passed away earlier in the week. It feels as though we would be "cheating" on Tom Brady however if we didn't in some way mention him today.

It must be stressed, that in no way do we feel that Zoolander is a "System Quarterback", due to the sustained success Matt Cassel has experienced with the New England Patriots this season.... immense success after not having started a game since the days when he would have (or might have) funneled six beers and then gone to the local Denny's where he would have proceeded to projectile vomit blueberry milkshakes on to unsuspecting underclassmen.....we call those days high school (by "we", we mean, "we").

Tom Brady is probably not a System Quarterback....which brings us to......a thought on Tom Brady.

Pouting or Blue Steel?

We saw this picture of Tom Terrific while reading a very funny "alleged diatribe" by him against Matt Cassel (Click for funniness).

Now while the piece over at Kissing Suzy Kolber was very funny we like to use those sort of things as "springboards" to new avenues of thinking....some people call that "thinking outside the box"....we call it "a waste of time" and being "overly critical" but in the end "very funny" and an ample excuse to use "quotation marks". Our critique.....

We've never seen an athlete's eye black so perfectly drawn beneath the eyes.

It was done so perfectly it got us to thinking...was it put on by a woman? Like a supermodel girlfriend? Then we thought, wait a minute, it looks just like the woman in the restroom for the State Farm Insurance commercial, Feeling Kinda Sunday, who uses the mascara to apply the athletic eye black...so we went and found a picture! Guess what we found...

sorry it's not on straight...I'm not a really, really, really, ridiculously, good looking male model

...aside from the fact that she would look much hotter without bangs (is that a Metro evaluation?), she did a pretty acceptable job with the ol' black stuff. And by acceptable we mean to say that it looks like a MAN PUT IT ON!

As it pertains to Tom Brady: he is an even bigger Metro than we thought or Giselle does his make-up in the locker room. Either scenario spells f-r-u-i-t-l-o-o-p or in the Northeastern vernacular of Bahston, Mass......yah ah fahkin homo queuhh.

Allow us to give a tutorial on how not to look like Tom Brady.....

show 'em your warface

If you choose to actually take time during application try to look menacing...

I am going to kill you...seriously...

If at any time you are accused of committing murder....well then you can wear your eye black any way you fuckin' please!

Tom Brady is a douche bag.

*From hence forward we will refer to the Oakland Raiders as The Hapless Raiders. I was reading a book that described the Tampa Bay Devil Rays as The Hapless Devil Rays back in 2004 on account of their suckitude (a high aptitude for sucking) so it seems appropriate to attach that moniker to the team from Oakland because they are a real embarrassment. Oh yea...the book was Faithful by Stephen King....about the 2004 Boston Red Sox....Maybe Stephen King should have been our Almost Masshole of the Week for helping us with a new name for the Oakland Raiders (technically King is from Maine but since the Red Sox and Patriots reside in MA but are claimed by all New Englanders....he's a Masshole).

Festivus for the Rest of Us

(lifted from Deadspin)
1,2--3--4,5
Yep, That's Five Boobs!

Best we could do on short notice. Feel free to solicit a better caption for this picture of Bill Belichick out on the town having fun (think that's his fun face?). We'll add it in if it's solid.