Belated Thoughts on Week 13

Adrian Peterson is the antithesis of a "Gaping V"...

...perhaps we shouldn't try and conjure the opposite nickname, as that which first "springs" to mind is a bit offensive, even for this locale. We'll just say, "He's a MAN...one who earns his paycheck each week, and it's good to see!"... this after having watched his Sunday night performance against the Bears.

Our "Gaping V" award will stay with Detroit Lions Safety, Daniel Bullocks, although we will award an Honorable Mention to Norv Turner...

Clarence Shelman... (Who? Exactly!)

and the Chargers Offense...

for their miserable performance against the visiting Falcons....

Additionally....

The Worst Play of the Week:

Jared Allen of the Vikings going from a more conventional mullet (and acceptable mullet if there is such a thing):

...to the god awful,

"I shaved my head but left a tuft in the back
because this is how we do it at Idaho"
Mullet

The more abbreviated label would be a Shavedskullet...we here at the Blog could not obtain an image of Allen sporting the new abomination so this reasonable facsimile from a reputable internet site will have to do...(yes, we combed the internet for this horrific picture...)

For more "affronts to humanity": Click Here.

Jared Allen beats out Plaxico Buress (amazingly) and gets our Worst Play of the Week.

Finally...

The "We Almost Got To Add Another Patriot To Our Blog Poll about Season Ending Injuries" goes to the big hit by Steeler Ryan Clark on Wes Welker last Sunday...



That hit was the perfect cap to a holiday weekend of giving thanks. Thank you Ryan Clark!

Preliminary Thanksgiving Gaping V

First things first...Let's not put the cart ahead of the horse....No counting of chickens before they hatch...we are all familiar with these common place idioms.

Sometimes we have a tendency to get ahead of ourselves and there is perhaps no better phrase to illustrate this point than the words uttered by The Wolf to Jules Winfield and Vincent Vega after they had cleaned up Marvin's Brains in Pulp Fiction....To quell the notion that they were home free he reminded them:

"Let's don't go suckin' each others' dicks just yet!"

To that end it would be premature to so quickly award the next Gaping V without having seen the remainder of the games on this week's slate. The award named after the Jerry Curl sportin', Rec Specs wearin', neck brace stylin', high steppin' right out of bounds via the Southern Methodist University deserves to see equal opportunity given. Our front runner, after three horrific plates of turkey, thus far:

Detroit Lion Safety Daniel Bullocks

We have widened the parameters once again...defenders should have the opportunity to be labeled as female anatomy as well. Playing in front of a national audience on Thanksgiving with the ignominy of a winless season in the making....this guy pulled the old 'OLE'...we weren't fooled! What made the lack of effort so much worse is that it was Soft As Cookie Dough Lendale White who-came-a lumbering through the goal line. C'mon Bullocks! Grabbing on to soft and cuddly things is so nice, so easy...Never mind the Bullocks, here's the Vaginas!

Out in the west we call that bullshit...Ole!

Whiiiiiiifffffff! No wins are comin' with tackles like that!

Now we realize Lendale looks like a big fella...but trust us, he's a soft bowl of cookie dough like Mom used to make. This is Lendale coming out of USC at the 2006 Scouting Combine....

My last name is White, not Hut...WTF?

Soft, no? He'd probably explode upon impact with a solid shoulder. He's come a long way but Lendale's still a softie...

smart money's on gravy not jello

You'll never see this guy with his shirt off...even as a more svelte NFL RB, Lendale endlessly loses shit in that belly button (usually car keys)....which brings us back to Daniel Bullocks.

You had a chance to blow a fat man up in front of the whole USA....we'll never know whether gravy or jello would have hemorrhaged out of Lendale, upon being dealt a vicious "Ronnie Lott like hit", for one reason and one reason only....you, Daniel Bullocks, decided to show us your Gaping V.

PS
Could it be more fitting that your name translates to castrated bull? Well, it was an awfully docile attempt at a tackle.
You're on notice, Bullocks! There's a lot of games left this week so here's to you sliding your way out of it.

Our Next "Gaping V" goes to...

This is Jermaine Gresham and he was catching balls for the Oklahoma Sooners on Saturday evening.

Height: 6-5

Weight: 264

Class: Junior

Position: TE

He is good at catching balls and it's not necessarily because his vagina is so big! Yes, Jermaine Gresham is the winner of this week's Gaping V.

We couldn't believe it when we saw this behemoth run out of bounds in the 1st quarter against a tiny Texas Tech corner....it was nearly as obscene as us having sat through the entirety of that back alley beat down. How could a guy his size not punish such a lilliputian corner?

We knew Gresham was big but we had to be precise so our research team went out and gathered the dirt... in addition to the height and weight we discovered that he is a highly rated TE for the 2009 draft....he also does not fancy himself a Gaping V-_-_-_-_-_....

How do we know?

Jermaine Gresham is a certified Bad Ass!

That's what his Facebook page says, anyway. In addition to his coursework in Sports and Recreation, this young Sooner has a PH.D in Badassology. Hey Jermaine, now you have another award to hang with the Doctorate framed in your dorm. Good luck explaining it.

PS

You're 264 lbs---blast the hell out of those little fellas! Keep it in bounds!
...and watch out for the University of Southern California.

The Gaping V--A Major Award

When watching a Dolphin kick returner needlessly run out of bounds on Sunday we cursed him with the 5-letter "P" word (we promised not to use the 4-letter "C" word) and were immediately castigated for it by the Missus. We decided that code must be used so we amended previous epithet to read--"You Gaping 'V'!" ( we won't spell this out as our assumption is that you are not a moron...are you?).

Our consternation for those who chose to casually run out of bounds to avoid contact has its roots in 1980s running back lore. Youngsters who were on their way to cultivating mullets eagerly cheered for Walter Payton and Earl Campbell and their courtship of contact but were routinely disappointed by the occasional back who would seek refuge on the sideline:

Eric Dickerson.....The Original Gaping V_ _ _ _ _! Is that irony, with the last name and all? Anyway....in addition to rec specs, a neck brace, and a 2000 yard season among other attributes and accomplishments we most remember Eric Dickerson for running out of bounds...

The Original "Gaping V"

The inaugural Gaping V goes to Dolphins Kick returner Jordy Nelson:

Stay in bounds Pussy or we'll slap you with another Gaping V! We are generally consumed with Charger game so we will rely on YOU the reader to contact us with future submissions for any Sunday infraction you feel warrants this Major Award.

Dear Denver Donkeys:

Thank you for sucking!

Sincerely,
Us