Dear Patriot Tears

According to the Daily Mail, via the website FJuice (click for a great GIF of Gisele modeling/knocked up):

"Gisele Bundchen and her new husband Tom Brady haven’t wasted any time following their February wedding - the supermodel is reportedly already pregnant."

Dear Patriot Tears

You are screwed! Zoolander has had it easy so far because kiddo#1 is living on the West Coast with mommy far away from daddy. But I'm here to tell you that the record breaking offense of 2007 is a relic of the past. Henceforth, Tom Terrific will be operating on very little sleep during valuable game-planning preparations thus leading to extraordinary inefficiencies in their Death Star offense.

Those little rascals are demanding and tiring!!! Is Tom ready to redefine his existence as a human Kleenex...... a means to an end for an endlessly runny infant's nose during the bitter northeastern winter months? If so, New England, you're doomed!

Of course, Tom could become an absentee father, utilize their overflowing funds on a nanny....and be well rested for 2009......what say you, History?

Your April Fools

Rather than plan some convoluted prank, whereby a three way trade occurs involving Jamarcus Russell/Jay Cutler/Matt Cassel, followed by uproariously heckling you to death for being a dimwitted sucka....we'll go ahead and merely present you with a potpourri of ninnies, donkeys, and chowder heads. We begin with an ode to Mrs. C (lucky Follower #13) who despises to no end the "Errand Boy of Giselle"....

One forever tarnished his image to achieve the slightest of advantages....an advantage his team probably did not need. The other poses for magazine layouts....do we even need to elaborate...look at this guy....how much more money does a human need?

Cutler is banging the drum to bolt Denver, A-Rod's banging Madonna and these are just both foolish choices. Cutler will wind up in Detroit where homes are going for $17k and Madonna was touched by Dennis Rodman (do the six degrees deal and A-Rod's in danger of acquiring a lifelong downstairs neighbor......and his ex-wife is going to take most of his money......and he's on the DL......and he won't be going to the Hall of Fame......foolish).

If you wanted people to cower in the wake of your Patriotism you could have gone with the lapel flag pin.

Foolish choices gentlemen. Foolish indeed. A jersey can last a lifetime too, ya just gotta take care of it.

Your April's Fools...

Matt Cassel Traded to the AFC West

USC's Matt Cassel, along with LB Mike Vrabel, have been shipped to the Kansas City Chiefs by the New England Patriots for a rack of ribs and presumably 2009 draft picks (2nd only?) ....

How does this affect the landscape of the AFC West? What about the Patriots now having the Bolts' 2nd rounder as well as the Chiefs'?

ESPN Reports...Click
Boston Globe Reports...Click
Crazy Patriot Fans React Comically...Click
Tom Brady destroys career (Thank You) with Giselle marriage...Click

Patriots 'Franchise' Cassel

It is our job to keep up with the goings-on of our competition and while the Steelers are the team that hoisted the trophy we mustn't forget the prospects of a New England team with a healthy Tom Brady at the helm....and don't forget the highest paid back up QB in history: Matt Cassel out of USC.

What does it mean to slap the non-exclusive franchise tag on a player? Excellent question...let's find out!

Click Here for link to Boston Globe article. Read below for the most relevant excerpt of article:

"If no market generates, the Patriots could have the most expensive backup in the NFL, paying Cassel more than Brady is scheduled to earn in 2009.

Brady, who is rehabilitating from a serious left knee injury that knocked him out of the 2008 season on the 15th offensive play, is due a base salary of $5 million and a bonus of $3 million. Brady's salary cap charge in 2009, due to the acceleration of past bonuses, is $14.6 million.

In the event a trade market does not develop, the Patriots would be tying up $29.2 million of their approximately $123 million salary cap on two players. That runs counter to the philosophy that has helped the Patriots thrive this decade, spreading the wealth to more players, and could handcuff other moves, such as signing nose tackle Vince Wilfork to an extension."

We read the above excerpt and found exactly what we wanted to hear....the Pats are doing something that does not jibe with past front office decision making....we likes! Belichick is no dope though, so we'll have to stay tuned.

Dear Patriot Tears #6

"Pats had a great season. No comments about other teams that shouldn't be there (ie Denver or San Diego). They played better than expected without the best player in the NFL. Great job and see you guys next year."

Posted by brian December 28, 08 07:39 PM

Dear Patriot Tears,

Why would you comment about the Charger's playoff worthiness? They crushed your sorry team and won their division. You lost your division to the Dolphins who incidentally crushed you when you were playing IN FOXBOROUGH. We're 9-8 now...two more wins and we'll have as many as you! That absolutely kills you doesn't it?

Shovel your driveway!

Dear Patriot Tears #5

"We should of beat the JETS when we had the chance in the regular season. Unfortunately we had the unevialbe task of rooting for those choke artists."

Posted by CTrain17 December 28, 08 07:39 PM

Dear Patriot Tears,

You are correct...should have beat the "choke artists" and taken care of business on your own. It would be UNENVIABLE for any Boston fan to ever have to root for a NY team...although Tom Terrific doesn't seem to have a problem with it. Wonder how he's feelin' about the possibility of Cassel being Franchised?

Our New Year's Resolution and Thanks

Happy New Year! 2009 is the Year of the Ox...

This is the time where we give Thanks and reaffirm our commitment to the origins of this blog.

We began this blog as Charger Fans who hated the New England Patriots and wanted a vehicle to promote our October 12th, 2008 showdown.

The hate is what got us going but what has evolved is our never wavering commitment to being a Collective of San Diego Sports Fans. Having said that, it would be folly to abandon our roots, hence the advent of...Dear Patriot Tears,

Fah awbvious reasons my face is absent...this tattoo was nawt smahht...and I'm crying...like a fackin' girl

Our New Year's Resolution is to post one New England Patriot Fan complaint about their team's 11-5 playoff omission.....PER DAY.....and to then offer a brief reply (already got two in). It will be arduous work but we are prepared for the challenge...believe it or not, we should be able to get one a day (there are a lot of entitled victim/complainers back there) ...WATCH US! (and feel free to comment YOU passive fuckers)!!

The 11-5 snub combined with our 8-8 QB sneak might just be better than having met and beaten the Pats in the AFCCG in 2009...we're pretty ecstatic about it and New Englander's lunacy shows through in the comments they post at the Boston Globe. With the future in mind, please forward any and all angles you think we should take...we love tips and springboards....Enjoy!

THE THANKS:

Blue Ballzed...again.....For the initial idea and numerous graphics contributions.
4th and long, Charger Fan in Donkey Land, and The Ghost of Sid Going....thanks for the interesting takes and unique insights on these games we follow all TOO closely.

Asterisk+Spycam+ San Diego Chargers=AWESOME LOGO

TIPS...Sword Wielding Avenger of Anga-leez, Brother Avenger, Stew-Raider pic, Wifey-Pouting Cutler Pic., Stop calling me Shirley Avenger-Voodoo inspiration, et. al.

Fellow Forum Bomber....Mark E of Papagayo....good passion.

The Original Avengers.....for sharing a common disdain....The Patriots, not Dunkin Donuts Coffee.

Massholes make goooooood coffee(post "Boston Massacre" of 9/16/2007)

10/12/08 Tailgate Avengers....good times.

Chef.....For gutting and roasting Bill...good eats.

Kill Bill Volume III

Legal Counsel......Yer our Boy Blue/Eye Patch!

Zino....for writing funny top 10s and getting us mentioned on the radio.

Scott & BR....for giving me ideas during the morning drive.

The Dalai Lama and Jessica Alba...we have no idea how this dynamic duo was formed so if you find it ludicrous, then sorry.....it is in play!

Jay Cutler....for being our whipping boy.

Zoolander....for being Awesome! And for providing a nick name for Tom Brady.

Massholes in Foxborough, Ma....for perpetuating stereotypes and moving us to organize against you.

Boston Accent...Yah an easy fackin' mahhk, but it's awfully fun. Chee-uhs fah bein' good fackin' spahhts!

International Readership....to our solo readers in Singapore, China, Russia, Poland, Germany, France, Brazil and the UK (wait...we had three readers in Ol' Blighty!(No love for Patriots there). It's nice to be able to say, no matter what happens, "We're huge in Singapore!"

Commenters.....Thanks for reading and help us spread the Gospel

TLewis/Boston.....To what started as an email rant on 1/15/07....thanks for being a good sport ... which is probably pretty easy--after all you are the one with all the Championships!

Here's to a monumental Charger playoff run....

Yah Fackin' Season's ovuh...But it's Wedding Season!

Is that "center for kids who can't read good and who want to learn to do other stuff good too" finished yet?

We now know that the only things worth talking about in the greater New England Area today are:

1. How bad, "they-uh gettin' fackin' rawbbed by nawt makin the playawwfs!"
2. The health of Tom Brady's knee (He is currently behind schedule)
3. The Christmas Eve engagement of Tom Brady and Giselle.

New Englanders are passionate about all of their sport teams...especially when they're doing well (how many are claiming the Bruins right now?). But the other thing they are passionate about is Tom Brady. How awesome he is in every way. How they would love to be him and have his life, etc.,etc. The passion for Tom Terrific begs the following question:
Hey Massholes! How do you feel about Tom Brady's engagement to, arguably, the biggest Super Model in the world?

We sent out a correspondent to RT's Long Board Bar and Grill, local Masshole hangout, during the Pats/Bills game Sunday morning. We sent in one of their own so that we could get the most truthful responses. Said correspondent used a tape recorder and HTP edited the statements to reflect the New England accent but kept the integrity of the original statement intact. The following commentary is telling and shows that the West Coast devotion to Sporting Heroes pails in comparison to that of the East Coast.

Our Patsie...No bribes of lobstah or chowdah...just Sam Adams Laguhh....Truth imitates Stereotypes.

We put these in by the order in which they were received. We were going to do a top ten list but the idiocy of the statements resonates best untouched. Enjoy the ridiculousness that is ALL of the transplants living in San Diego...

It's already established that if I could be someone else I'd be Tawm. So, awbviously, I would want Giselle as my wife.

I'd be hawnuhd to be Mrs. Tawm Brady.

I sar this comin' a mile away! What took so long!

Gawds should marry Gawdesses

They-uh kids sure will look outta place in Beantown...Fah to fackin attractive!

Next Lawgical step for Patriot Nation: Brazil. You Watch, Kraft will get us they-uh.

With the downturn in the ecawnomy and all of aww wahhs...it's nice to hear a pawsitive .

This marriage is a fackin sham! A Gawd should not cawmitt his seed to one woman! We need mahh little Tawms out there!

I can't believe Tawm is hittin' the baux that that queeuh Dicaprio once hit.

To think...if Bridgett Moynihan was a little mahh hawt...mahh like a mawduhl...we wouldn't be tawkin' about this crap.

They-uh the new Camelawt. Fahh-get Jack, Bawbby, Ted, Jawn-Jawn, and the whole lawt of them Kennedys. Tawm and Giselle...Patriot fans' Camelawt.

Yah...Plus the Old Camelawt gave us gay marriage...fackin' liberal facks...they-uh the reason that every diatribe of mine includes the words, homo, queeuh, fruitcake or ankle-grabbuh. To the New Camelawt.

Its like Prince Charles and Lady Diana gettin married...they-uh fackin royalty.

If they had been married a yee-uh ago they coulda challenged Obawma for the White House.

I told all you fackin' fags he wasn't a fackin' queeuh!

They will not be teaching yahh kids in school about his marriage since they only teach about homosexual marriage in Mass. schools.

Trade him. Cassel is bettuh anyways.

Question is...will she adopt his bastuhd child?

Do ya think they'll serve chawdah at the wedding?

Is Tom Brady's knee healing? Would the impending marriage affect Brady's play? Will he be the QB next year or will they hand the keys to the younger Matt Cassel?

These are questions Bahston fan will be asking each other as they cry into their beers this winter. Before they seriously ask these questions however, they will gripe and protest like they haven't griped and protested since the early 1770s......about what you ask?

Massholes' problem is how badly they have been wronged by missing the playoffs with an 11-5 record and how a lowly 8-8 team made it in over them...THE OUTRAGE! As we recall, this 8-8 team took you out to the wood shed and gave you a beating that was much worse than 30-10....so go ahead and think about that loss while you're scrapin' your windshield tomorrow morning, waitin' for your engine to warm up...

Let's do this 15 more times! If we can manage to overcome this horrible defeat and win...let's say, arbitrarily, 11 contests...then we will be the victors, and you shall take your army and leave this continent forever! Agreed!

Hapless Raiders, Almost Massholes, and Tom Brady

We recognized Patriot QB Matt Cassel as our Almost Masshole of the Week yesterday for his 4 touchdown performance against the *Hapless Raiders after his father had passed away earlier in the week. It feels as though we would be "cheating" on Tom Brady however if we didn't in some way mention him today.

It must be stressed, that in no way do we feel that Zoolander is a "System Quarterback", due to the sustained success Matt Cassel has experienced with the New England Patriots this season.... immense success after not having started a game since the days when he would have (or might have) funneled six beers and then gone to the local Denny's where he would have proceeded to projectile vomit blueberry milkshakes on to unsuspecting underclassmen.....we call those days high school (by "we", we mean, "we").

Tom Brady is probably not a System Quarterback....which brings us to......a thought on Tom Brady.

Pouting or Blue Steel?

We saw this picture of Tom Terrific while reading a very funny "alleged diatribe" by him against Matt Cassel (Click for funniness).

Now while the piece over at Kissing Suzy Kolber was very funny we like to use those sort of things as "springboards" to new avenues of thinking....some people call that "thinking outside the box"....we call it "a waste of time" and being "overly critical" but in the end "very funny" and an ample excuse to use "quotation marks". Our critique.....

We've never seen an athlete's eye black so perfectly drawn beneath the eyes.

It was done so perfectly it got us to thinking...was it put on by a woman? Like a supermodel girlfriend? Then we thought, wait a minute, it looks just like the woman in the restroom for the State Farm Insurance commercial, Feeling Kinda Sunday, who uses the mascara to apply the athletic eye black...so we went and found a picture! Guess what we found...

sorry it's not on straight...I'm not a really, really, really, ridiculously, good looking male model

...aside from the fact that she would look much hotter without bangs (is that a Metro evaluation?), she did a pretty acceptable job with the ol' black stuff. And by acceptable we mean to say that it looks like a MAN PUT IT ON!

As it pertains to Tom Brady: he is an even bigger Metro than we thought or Giselle does his make-up in the locker room. Either scenario spells f-r-u-i-t-l-o-o-p or in the Northeastern vernacular of Bahston, Mass......yah ah fahkin homo queuhh.

Allow us to give a tutorial on how not to look like Tom Brady.....

show 'em your warface

If you choose to actually take time during application try to look menacing...

I am going to kill you...seriously...

If at any time you are accused of committing murder....well then you can wear your eye black any way you fuckin' please!

Tom Brady is a douche bag.

*From hence forward we will refer to the Oakland Raiders as The Hapless Raiders. I was reading a book that described the Tampa Bay Devil Rays as The Hapless Devil Rays back in 2004 on account of their suckitude (a high aptitude for sucking) so it seems appropriate to attach that moniker to the team from Oakland because they are a real embarrassment. Oh yea...the book was Faithful by Stephen King....about the 2004 Boston Red Sox....Maybe Stephen King should have been our Almost Masshole of the Week for helping us with a new name for the Oakland Raiders (technically King is from Maine but since the Red Sox and Patriots reside in MA but are claimed by all New Englanders....he's a Masshole).

Damn Uneditable Blog Polls!

Are these pads tight or.....is...my...heart.....

The first person I thought of was a blog poster with the moniker "Die Teddy Die".......The word on the street is that aging linebacker Teddy Bruschi is done for the year with a knee injury and we cannot tell a lie....WE'RE PISSED OFF!

We don't actively cheer for the injury of other players even if they are lowly New England Patriots...this even includes the QB known as Zoolander. We were horribly disappointed to see him injured to start the year but hindsight is 20/20...we probably wouldn't have beat the Pats had he been healthy so it worked out for us, we'll take it.

gratuitous ACL destruction shot

But as we profess to not encourage the season ending sort of injury that many Patriots have been subjected to in '08 there is no reason why we cannot, in good taste, question which injuries our readers most enjoyed this season....

This is all a very long way of saying that we are unable to edit our poll to include the Bruschi injury nor will we be able to add Junior Seau when that geriatric breaks a hip in week 17. The only foresight we have shown here at the blog is the possible sideline maiming that might occur to Bill Belichick (that is the sort of injury that we do condone and actively cheer for). The Raiders do a lot of stupid things so we won't rule out a sideline chop block on ol' Bill....after all, the Raiders still have the Tom Brady "tuck rule" to gripe about from the '02
playoffs.

This was an official apology to the poster known as "Die Teddy Die".

Oh Plaxico, We'll Always Have Superbowl XLII

"WHAT?!!!!!!......OHHH, YEA!!!!!!!
Yea, I'll bring my gat to the Latin Quarter nightclub in Manhattan.
I'll have loads of cash and be wearin' my chains, but I'm leavin' my grill at home with Mrs. Burress!
Let's Get CRUNK...I got nuthin to lose!"


In this 24 hour news cycle world we're a few steps behind per usual....

What you know: Plaxico Burress put a hole in the same leg that has a game-missing-worthy hamstring injury and everything good has already been said about it or written. Any worries about his mental wellness and football future....taken. Any funny angle about his stupidity.....taken.

The one and only thing we'll say regarding the issue is that when we saw that the GSW was self-inflicted, we laughed...

Oh yea, and then you'll say,

"That's Horrible!"

And then we'll reply,

"But why?"

And you'll be all,

"He's a troubled human being!"

And we'll be like,

"Yea. He got 45 million troubles during the off season but gun safety lessons shouldn't be one."

"You're an ASSHOLE!"

"So!'

"Where's your compassion?"

"We save it for people who actually need to carry guns for a living...and Detroit Lion fans."

"Dick!"

"Shooting yourself is funny. Sue us! Thanks for beating the Pats, Plax! See you in 3 to 5!"

Plaxico says, "Patriots are only gonna score 17 points"

Merriman and Brady Sightings

Shawne Merriman, during his knee rehabilitation, has been spotted on the sideline shouting words of encouragement to his struggling teammates.

He has also contributed to the community by taking part in the annual Chargers' Blood Drive.

Tom Brady has been perfecting his Le Tigre and Blue Steel signature poses for his post NFL career:

Well the Le Tigre is kind of fruity but his Blue Steel (below) is very solid. Giselle ,without doubt, has raised the bar for Tom.

It's good to see Zoolander so consumed with helping Scott Cassel lead the Patriots back to the playoffs. Their last home game, against the J-E-T-S, saw an honorary tribute to retiring Patriot Troy Brown (the same Troy Brown who stripped Marlon McCree on 1/14/07 propelling the Pats to the AFC Championship game).....where was Tom? Dude is weird.

Dear Dean and AJ:

Shawne Merriman is the straw that stirs the drink. He's not only the best defender he's the heart and soul of the team. Don't let him walk in 2010.

Zoolander or "Giselle's errand boy"

"Giselle's errand boy " brought to you by an enthusiastic Patriot/Tom hater from Chicago, IL. Thanks Elle!

I like Zoolander....you be the judge.

Evolution

My hate has evolved. As written earlier, I noted how the Patriots actually seemed to be an organization that did things "right". That notion began to disintegrate though as I watched the Patriots talk so much trash in the '06-'07 playoffs, the sort of trash they had previously condemned.

My hate was galvanized however when the SPYGATE story broke and it looked as though the "Genius" and "Zoolander" (creator of illegitimate children) might actually be frauds and worthy of Super Bowl Asterisks. My cause was also furthered when that piece of crap Moss actually began trying to play football because now he was "happy" and he was finally playing with a "great QB".
Moss: "Peyton Manning has his great receivers, why can't Tom Brady?"

A playoff loss, Ex-Raider piece of crap Moss, Ex-Charger douche bags like Harrison (HGH suspension) and Seau (lame retirement speech), Belechick arrogance, and finally SPYGATE would be enough to put any reasonable person over the edge in their hatred towards the Patriots. Just when I thought this though, the biggest strike against the Pats came thundering down...

We went to Foxboro for the 9/16/07 Charger game.....and met the morons who live there. That experience right there trumps any item off my laundry list of hate. They are the biggest clowns and will remain the impetus for my hate long after the likes of Belechick and the male model Brady have gone. All of these morons are part and parcel to "Red Sox Nation" as well, thus the dire need for an opposition party.....The Anti-Patriot League!

Any group, that is a part of the strange paradox that vocalizes homophobia at every turn yet also maintains the most bizarre man love towards Tom Brady (a.k.a. Zoolander) and how they each wish they had his life, must be opposed by any and all means necessary.

Oppose the invasion of "Red Sox Nation" into your baseball city and their accompaniment of "Sweet Caroline" singing "retahhhds". Don't sell your tickets to them!

Oppose by blacklisting any local bar that encourages patronage from any New England sports fan.

Oppose by actively hating the New England Patriots and their elitist sports writers and fan base.

Start your own chapter of The-Anti Patriot league!

...by any means necessary!