Almost Masshole of the Week 16

After having sat out the entire season to surf and perfect the crappy menu at Seau's the restaurant (only order Mama Seau's Teriyaki bowls...all else is shiite)....The Genius finally called. Seau proved his mettle by compiling five unassisted tackles and adding two assists against the useless team from the desert. Then a Masshole jumped out of the stands and tackled/humped/hugged him...

Photos:Matthew West (Boston Herald)

The Masshole's name is Todd Kobus and he's from a place called Attleboro, Mass. We only know it to be a breeding ground for Massholes...the kind that like to "hug" 250 lb Samoans. According to his attorney he only wanted a hug.

HateThePatriots also obtained an audio transcript of Kobus addressing the judge during his arraignment:

Kobus: Yaw Honuh....I am an Iraq Wah veteran and I wahd nevuh do something to disgrace the Unifahm of this fine cahntry. I've always been a Patriot! Whethuh I was tawchin a hawstile village or rootin on my team to Faw Supah Bowl victories...that's right Yaw Honuh, I'm countin' the 16-0 regulah season of '07 cuz Gawd knows we shoulda won it. My point is that I'm a Patriot.

Now I'd like to be released becawwz I've done my time as it puhtains to the Gawd Awful numbuh of times I've been called a homo or queeuh due to said Huggin incident. Queeuh? To the fackin' cawn-tra-e! The fackin' truth is that i needed to get to Juni-uh to tell him that I fackin love him, in the least homo way pawssible, and that I am fackin unbelievably happy that Gawd (Belichick) brawt him back frahhm all those homos and queeuhs in Cali----specifically those powdah blue wearin' queeuhs who suppawt the Cha-juhhs. In summation Yaw Honuh...The hug was fah the respect I have fah Juni-uh Seau and I am NAWT as QUEEUH as a GAWD DAMN three dollah bill.

Judge: This is a court of law. I would hold you in contempt if I didn't think you were retarded.

Kobus: Yaw Honuh...as Gawd as my witness, I am NAWT RETAH-DED, NAW am I Gay-uh than a fackin' Christmas tree! Unfahr-tunately...I pah-took in too many Lah-guhs. Fah too many.

This nonsense goes on and on and we started to feel as though the Almost Masshole of the Week was being awarded for the wrong reasons. Sure this guy is a Masshole but would we really benefit in any way from Junior getting taken out? Do we just have a grudge against the menu at Seau's the restaurant? These are questions to ponder......for now, Todd Kobus is The Almost Masshole of the Week!

The only thing worth ordering...Holy shit did the price go up on that! Mama?

Hapless Raiders, Almost Massholes, and Tom Brady

We recognized Patriot QB Matt Cassel as our Almost Masshole of the Week yesterday for his 4 touchdown performance against the *Hapless Raiders after his father had passed away earlier in the week. It feels as though we would be "cheating" on Tom Brady however if we didn't in some way mention him today.

It must be stressed, that in no way do we feel that Zoolander is a "System Quarterback", due to the sustained success Matt Cassel has experienced with the New England Patriots this season.... immense success after not having started a game since the days when he would have (or might have) funneled six beers and then gone to the local Denny's where he would have proceeded to projectile vomit blueberry milkshakes on to unsuspecting underclassmen.....we call those days high school (by "we", we mean, "we").

Tom Brady is probably not a System Quarterback....which brings us to......a thought on Tom Brady.

Pouting or Blue Steel?

We saw this picture of Tom Terrific while reading a very funny "alleged diatribe" by him against Matt Cassel (Click for funniness).

Now while the piece over at Kissing Suzy Kolber was very funny we like to use those sort of things as "springboards" to new avenues of thinking....some people call that "thinking outside the box"....we call it "a waste of time" and being "overly critical" but in the end "very funny" and an ample excuse to use "quotation marks". Our critique.....

We've never seen an athlete's eye black so perfectly drawn beneath the eyes.

It was done so perfectly it got us to thinking...was it put on by a woman? Like a supermodel girlfriend? Then we thought, wait a minute, it looks just like the woman in the restroom for the State Farm Insurance commercial, Feeling Kinda Sunday, who uses the mascara to apply the athletic eye black...so we went and found a picture! Guess what we found...

sorry it's not on straight...I'm not a really, really, really, ridiculously, good looking male model

...aside from the fact that she would look much hotter without bangs (is that a Metro evaluation?), she did a pretty acceptable job with the ol' black stuff. And by acceptable we mean to say that it looks like a MAN PUT IT ON!

As it pertains to Tom Brady: he is an even bigger Metro than we thought or Giselle does his make-up in the locker room. Either scenario spells f-r-u-i-t-l-o-o-p or in the Northeastern vernacular of Bahston, Mass......yah ah fahkin homo queuhh.

Allow us to give a tutorial on how not to look like Tom Brady.....

show 'em your warface

If you choose to actually take time during application try to look menacing...

I am going to kill you...seriously...

If at any time you are accused of committing murder....well then you can wear your eye black any way you fuckin' please!

Tom Brady is a douche bag.

*From hence forward we will refer to the Oakland Raiders as The Hapless Raiders. I was reading a book that described the Tampa Bay Devil Rays as The Hapless Devil Rays back in 2004 on account of their suckitude (a high aptitude for sucking) so it seems appropriate to attach that moniker to the team from Oakland because they are a real embarrassment. Oh yea...the book was Faithful by Stephen King....about the 2004 Boston Red Sox....Maybe Stephen King should have been our Almost Masshole of the Week for helping us with a new name for the Oakland Raiders (technically King is from Maine but since the Red Sox and Patriots reside in MA but are claimed by all New Englanders....he's a Masshole).

Almost Masshole of the Week via USC

Matt Cassel's father died last Tuesday in San Bernardino yet he went out and shredded the Raiders on Sunday for 4 TDs in a 49-26 Patriot victory.

With a heavy heart and all due respect we award Matt Cassel, out of Southern Cal, the Almost Masshole of the Week. Our sincere condolences and thank you for embarrassing the Raiders.

After Tom Brady wend down in Week 1, we felt that the Patriots would still have a solid chance of going 10-6. Right now they sit at 9-5.

An Omen

A devilish image to be sure....in the dirt a dying falcon....lightning from the Football Gods?

Chargers 27 Falcons 24

Matt Ryan comes through as our Almost Masshole of the Week...

MATT RYAN
#2

Preliminary Almost Masshole of the Week

The preliminary Almost Masshole of the Week goes to Dunkin' Donuts Coffee of Mass. via Costco. Cheers for keeping us awake during drive to IB...and upon arrival, alive. Also your hot goodness kept us awake through three of the worst football games ever then nursed us through the tryptophan coma for a long drive home. You're a righteous Massholian caffeinator!

However we're looking to see you get edged out this Sunday by former Boston College Tahd, Matt Ryan. We appreciate you keeping us alive but the Chargers need a win. Covet thy award, Masshole...

I ain't ever killed no puppy!

"Charlie The Hut": Almost Masshole of the Week

(Fat Bastard was Scottish...Charlie Weiss is "Irish"...get it right, ya foockin' cunt!)

Last Week we discussed the possibility of a new award:

Which brings us to the Almost New Award that was to be issued this week:

~MASSHOLE OF THE WEEK~

This is an award given to the person from Massachusetts who either helps our teams in some way or who just dispels any well earned beliefs the country has about people from that state.

The inaugural prize was to go to Atlanta's Matt Ryan who nearly Quarterbacked the Falcons to a victory over the visiting Broncos thus helping the Charger cause...but blew it in the end. Matt Ryan, Boston College Alum, our Almost Masshole Of The Week!!!!

This Week we had former Patriot Offensive Coordinator and current Notre Dame Coach, Charlie Weiss, all lined up to take the award......it seemed fitting as we had a contingent of Avengers in South Bend on hand to see the Irish destroy the Orangemen (after destroying their livers):

(we ask for a picture during the game...we get the bar after the game)

---the story was writing itself and then the ticker read:

Syracuse 24__Notre Dame 23

Nobody can seem to lock up the coveted "Masshole of the Week" award so we reserve the right to change the name and parameters of the award to better serve our purpose, hence, the following new heading on the hardware...

~The Almost Masshole of the Week~

Way to go Masshole...the 2007-2008 Irish, have set a school record for most losses in a two season span....life time contract? Maybe the Notre Dame Board of Regents have been talking with the Chargers' front office...

"Charlie The Hut" is our Almost Masshole of the Week....

PS
Regardless, we're sure that the EastCoastRedNek, ME, and EZ had a memorable time.

Bizarro Charger World

It's official....we live in Bizarro Charger World!

Like the space and time of Superman we too are living a backwards and puzzling existence.

On Seinfeld there was a "Bizarro Jerry" pitted against Jerry Seinfeld's sitcom character.... we also find ourselves being stalked by an evil alter ego. A wretched hole to be sure, this parallel place.

This reversed version of our world has, as its team, the complete opposite of what we have grown accustomed to the last two seasons.

• The Bolts don't cause turnovers.

• They can't control the clock.

• They don't travel well.

• They find new and ever interesting ways to lose games.

It is torture of the worst variety to follow this team right now (it is torture of another nature to follow the Padres).

Who is this team? They are the team that found a way to lose 10-11 for the first time in the history of the NFL. And you new that it was destined to be when the Chargers scored and left the Steelers with six minutes left on the clock...just enough time to pass the ball thirteen times underneath (give or take) into a soft zone, run the clock off, and kick the winning field goal.

Are Kaeding's stats between 40-49 yds really what CBS said they were? Don't remember exactly but it was something ridiculous like 1 for his last 9....

Technically we weren't supposed to win this game but neither was Denver supposed to beat Atlanta on the road so we're running out of chances....

Which brings us to the Almost New Award that was to be issued this week:

~MASSHOLE OF THE WEEK~

This is an award given to the person from Massachusetts who either helps our teams in some way or who just dispels any well earned beliefs the country has about people from that state.

The inaugural prize was to go to Atlanta's Matt Ryan who nearly Quarterbacked the Falcons to a victory over the visiting Broncos thus helping the Charger cause...but blew it in the end. Matt Ryan, Boston College Alum, our Almost Masshole Of The Week!!!!

Can't wait to see what transpires next in Bizarro Charger World...