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Alternative Sports on the Tube/Laughing your Ass off/Week in Review/The Future of this Blog

Where to begin? Let's get right to the sport of watching television. In the last three days I've seen three of the funniest things ever---busting my gut, coughing, tears flowing from the eyes. I must share and I don't feel in the least bit guilty that these videos are off of our topic of sports. This is sport!

DATING:
For those who enjoy watching train-wreck television we bring you Daisy of Love. What happens when you lock up a bunch of dudes in a house with an unlimited supply of alcohol and they irresponsibly leave the patio doors wide open? Naturally, a skunk will wander in to house and drunks will try to trap it. What ensues is the funniest shit you will ever see (think Stand By Me during Gordy's tale about Lard-Ass and the pie eating contest.....)

FIGURE SKATING:
I had never seen the Will Ferrell film Blades of Glory and I still haven't. But I did watch one scene and I believe it was the first time they skated together in competition. In searching for a video that best captured the same disaster on ice that I witnessed, I settled on this one. It also has the perfect song to go along with it. Enjoy.

MOTHER LOVING:
This was the Justin Timberlake/Andy Samberg follow up to Dick In A Box. It originally aired a few weeks back for Mother's Day and then I saw it at the beginning of the week.....and then it re-aired last night. Perhaps not as good as D.I.A.B but hilarious none the less...

SDSU AZTECS:
Stephen Strasburg got his first loss of the year on Friday night against Virginia in the opening game of the Irvine Regional. Dude pitched like crap.....gave up two runs.....only struck out 15. At least he went out guns blazing.SDSU was eliminated tonight by the UCI Anteaters who are facing UVA as we write and looking to force another game against the Cavs tomorrow. I'd like to see Irvine representing SoCal in Omaha so we'll throw our support behind the Uncircumcised Penises of UCI. For more on SDSU's season you should go to 619 Sports.

PADRES:
Padres went 3-3 on their road trip this week to maintain their .500 winning percentage. Jake Peavy is still a Padre. Adrian Gonzalez is destroying National League pitching--hit his 20th HR today and The Effect picked up his 15th save after blowing one last night. While there has been talk of when Jake Peavy will be dealt and not if, SI.com's Jon Heyman proposes that the Padres would be much better off dealing Adrian Gonzalez. It pains me to say it but he's right. AG's contract is so cheap relative to his talent (Gold Glover and potential HR leader) that the Friar's could get a boat load for him. Not to mention that we have two 1b prospects as well as the possibility that with the 3rd pick in the draft we might take a kid out ofUNC who plays...1b. I'd hate to see him go though.....he's a guy who could end up being like Gwynn: Synonymous with the San Diego Padres. A legitimate retired #....unlike Winfield and Garvey.

In addition to trying to write entertaining blogs I also try to collect and gather other good examples from the field. I came across a great blog by a Twins fan called The Daily Something. Great analysis and a nice little piece on the mystery that is The David Eckstein Love Fest. It's a reasonable question to ask of a player who's hitting .220 but has been described by GM Kevin Towers as our 2009 MVP. I did my best to explain it to him in thatblog's comment section....maybe you could add something about the little fella.

More Peavy trade potential as well as the downward spiral of Khalil Greene from SI.com's Jon Heyman.....poor guy. And to think I actually thought that the Padres could have held him until July and sold high...waiting 'til July would have got us a bag of balls and a case of Budweiser from the Cards.

VOTE FOR MANNY:
Other good blogs I came across: It is about the money, stupid and Vote For Manny. Both of which come from a New York blogger named Jason Rosenberg. The former is his primary site and the latter is a little movement to get Manny into the All-Star game. Purpose: to shed light on the stupidity of the whole process as well as to make Bud Selig acknowledge thePED issue as it pertains to Manny being elected while serving a suspension. It's a great idea on many levels the least of which is to show how bogus the selection process is (Suspended playerManRam is running in 4th place so as an OF he needs to move up one spot where as Adrian Gonzalez is running in about 8th place....PEOPLE...He plays in a pitcher's park and has 20 bombs! Do The Right Thing!). I wrote a post on it so go read it and then sit on-line for 10 minutes and cast 25 votes for Manny Ramirez and Adrian Gonzalez. BTW: Manny Ramirez is an unequivocal A--HOLE!

CHARGERS:
SI.com's Jim Trotter writes about some Running Backs who he thinks are on the rebound in '09......take a guess....

NFL NEWS:
A good site for NFL/Entertainment news is FJuice @ nfljuice.com, and it's not just because we got linked from there. If you want a great way to start the day check out Morning Wood....isn't that the way everyday should start?

THE FUTURE:
We have changed our URL and exported all of our posts to a new site. The current URL is shite and was never intended to be a long term address primarily because we never really intended to do this long term. Anyways, the new address will honor San Diego sporting history as well as explain why we're even doing this....aside from the fact that all parties involved are somewhat crazy. Await word, ye Faithful Eleven.

We Endorse the "Vote For Manny" Blog

Satire is good.

Through humor, eyes are pried wide open. Satire promotes inquiry. It can even be a catalyst for change. When we discuss "change" it is not in the political context of "Change we can believe in"......no, the change we have in mind is not some ubiquitous slogan which was put through market research groups, approved, and printed in mass.

No, the change some of us are looking for is not in the abstract but the concrete......wet concrete......and to mix our metaphors we'll just say, the sloppy sort of wet concrete mess you might find in the shorts of Commissioner Bud Selig as the 2009 All star game approaches. Hard ball fans: we bring to your awareness.....

www.voteformanny.blogspot.com

A clever blog by a NY fan/writer/polemicist whose purpose is to promote the selection of Manny Ramirez INTO the All Star game via fan vote......but not for the reasons you think. This venture is strictly a means to an end for we, the fans of the game.

The idea: to force Bud Selig's hand in having to acknowledge and then address the possibility of a positive testing player (Performance Enhancing Drugs) making the all-star team. As San Diegans we saw a similar situation and the firestorm that ensued back in '05 when Shawne Merriman made the Pro Bowl after having served a 4 game steroid suspension. We are presented with a fantastic opportunity sport fans. Do not let the possibility of that Dread-head douche occupying left field in Busch Stadium deter you from forcing the issue.

There are those that will argue that voting for Manny, who is currently running fourth in the voting, will only prevent a more deserving player from earning a spot:

Raul has been solid. You need not worry. Mr. Selig will do the right thing.

Sorry. Sometimes you must destroy something beautiful to rebuild it correctly. Without pain there can not be gain. Insert any other metaphor you'd like but the bottom line is that the drug issue must be confronted on a national platform and more likely than not Raul Ibanez would thank you for providing him a nice little vacation during the middle of an arduous season.

There are those that will argue that this sort of measure will only serve to further damage the image of MLB:

C.J. has tarnished his own image. Edit twice...publish once my friend.

See previous argument. MLB already has two black eyes and they've been achieved under the stewardship of Commissioner Selig. This could be an opportunity for Bud to do the right thing by implementing a policy shift that illustrates an act of good faith for MLB's fans (i.e. banning Manny and all future positive testers from All-Star games and to take it a step further---ban these players from eligibility for individual season awards----this would show that he takes the PED issue seriously).

Lastly there are those who just don't quite understand the literary device of satire....

No....insanity is responding to things you disagree with at 3:30 AM

....or you don't know how to read and instead resort to inferences based on the titles of blogs you look at-- and please notice that we use the words "look at" and not "read". Hopefully one day you'll get it and when you do, "it'll be the most beautiful day of your life." A Durdian moment to be sure.

Vote Manny in so that Bud can vote him out. Exact some Change We Can Believe In: Vote on-line for Manny Ramirez and visit the blog created in his "honor". Vote For Manny Blog

Los Angeles Dodgers Website for Direct Voting and Ballot Box Stuffing.

**Comments courtesy of nit wits visiting the Vote For Manny Blog.

Dear Patriot Tears

According to the Daily Mail, via the website FJuice (click for a great GIF of Gisele modeling/knocked up):

"Gisele Bundchen and her new husband Tom Brady haven’t wasted any time following their February wedding - the supermodel is reportedly already pregnant."

Dear Patriot Tears

You are screwed! Zoolander has had it easy so far because kiddo#1 is living on the West Coast with mommy far away from daddy. But I'm here to tell you that the record breaking offense of 2007 is a relic of the past. Henceforth, Tom Terrific will be operating on very little sleep during valuable game-planning preparations thus leading to extraordinary inefficiencies in their Death Star offense.

Those little rascals are demanding and tiring!!! Is Tom ready to redefine his existence as a human Kleenex...... a means to an end for an endlessly runny infant's nose during the bitter northeastern winter months? If so, New England, you're doomed!

Of course, Tom could become an absentee father, utilize their overflowing funds on a nanny....and be well rested for 2009......what say you, History?

Movie Quotes Will Explain This Winning Streak...maybe?

The difficult thing about blogging the baseball season is the short shelf life of each thought. Before you can implement an idea from a game the next one has passed. All I really want to talk about is the Padres sweep of the Cubs but here we are on Memorial Day having witnessed the Padres extend their winning streak to 10 games with a late rally and extra inning victory. Oh who cares, there's only 11 of you reading anyway and China's access is restricted so I'll have at it......

The recent 9-0 home stand coupled with today's defeat of the D-Backs brings to mind two movies that may best describe the prevailing feeling Padre fans should be having:

1. PULP FICTION. The Character; Winston Wolf. The Scene: Vincent and Jules have just cleaned all of the fragments of Marvin's skull from the back of their get away car. The blood has been sopped up, the blankets are covering the upholstery, Travolta & Jackson look like a "couple of dorks", and they are confident that The Wolf has helped them escape certain incarceration. The Quote: "Well, let's not start suckin' each other's dicks quite yet." Now I've referenced this quote before and for good reason......it would be unwise considering San Diego's sporting history to get too excited over nothing. Not to be a wet blanket (or the damp throw pillow that my daughter just gacked on...true story) but it would be wise to remember that our 'book collection' has two fantastic 'book ends': A 9-3 start and our recent 10-0 run for a phenomenal 19-3 mark. But here's the problem..... all of the 'books' on the shelf are absolute SHITE!......think Jack Kerouac collection minus On the Road and Dharma Bums. The math on that is 4-19.....refer back to quote by The Wolf.
2. MAJOR LEAGUE. The Character; Jake Taylor. The Scene: Cleveland Indians squad is assembled in clubhouse and has just been notified that the team was constructed to lose so that the team could be moved. Each player would be released, traded or sent to the minors at season's end. The Quote: "I guess there's only one thing left to do...win the WHOLE fuckin' thing." I know, I know....you wanted to hear Cerrano say how much he likes Jesus but he no help hit curve ball......I get it... but it doesn't fit my theme (click here) so go with me. To keep Peavy, do the Padres have no choice but to 'win the whole fuckin' thing'? The Friars' FO wants to trade Jake Peavy but it will be met with even greater resistance by our fledgling fan base if it is done while the team is above .500 and has a chance to compete. Could the FO be hoping that this streak ends so it can get back to the business of giving John Moores a palatable $40 million dollar payroll? Will GM Kevin Towers begin to redecorate the bullpen with more of the Edwin Morenos of the world in order to soften fan expectations thus allowing Jake to be jettisoned? That's an awfully cynical thought but we all know that Jake's going, merely a matter of when....but will they trade him if we're playing good ball? (this is all ridiculous speculation and more of an excuse to mention Major League)
   

Those are my movie analogies and here are my observations from Sunday's game which was a 7-2 victory over the Cubs. A personal victory of note for me as the Friar's had dropped the 10 previous games I attended.

• I am a completely moronic child every time I see this name:

• Fuk-U-Do-Me......I laugh every time I see it in print and then I proceed to read this guy's name phonetically...every time. I am a MORON. It's like any time I've ever mentioned the word Duty in front of a teenager (such as: You have a duty to complete this task). All the teenager hears is doody....."Huh-Huh.....he said Doody." I am that same little teenage idiot every time I see Kosuke Fukudome play baseball. Sorry.
• Padre entertainment coordinators. Don't play Twist and Shout when the Cubs are in town...too Ferris Bueller's Day Off after he caught the foul ball during the game at Wrigley and then found his way on to the float in the Downtown Chicago parade. It's bad enough we're outnumbered every series those guys ever play here......don't make them feel anymore at home. Also ix nay any Smashing Pumpkins song.....they hail from Chicago....gotta think of these things.
• Always show footage of Garvey hitting the HR in 1984 when the Cubs are in town......it actually won't piss off that many people because they aren't even from Chicago, they're from Huntington Beach. I know because I was talking to them. Curse WGN's national reach!
• A batting avg. around .200 during 9-0 home stand. Really?
• Memo: Chicago Cubs fans who wear Chicago Bears jerseys to games in San Diego: If you decide to wear your Richard Dent #95 and guy wearing Padres jersey comes up to you and says, "The Sack Man's comin'," don't look at him like he's a crazy methhead from Lakeside but instead reply with, "I'm your man Dent," and then I'll continue the dance with, "If the Quarterback's slow he's gonna get bent," and then I'll be impressed with you instead of you looking like an ill-informed Jag-off. That's right.....YOU looked like the Jagoff.
• I do not like being outnumbered in our home park. It bothers me. On account of this uneasy feeling acquired when the Cubs visit, with all due respect to family members of mine who are Cub fans, I shall share the following sentiment: I have a strong dislike for The Lovable Losers...OK, I hate them. Take solace Chicagoans as it is not the same kind of hate I have for the Patriots.
• Finally.....watch out Dodgers!?? Not really but they are actually in our sights now.
  

Mailbag: The Soul of Civil Disobedience

Precursor to The Great Fire Wall of China

Since we've cut down our posting a bit in recent weeks we'll take this opportunity to give you a cheap post: it's called Mailbag. We field all comments and suggestions and these were all based on our post Steely Moments in Civil Disobedience. Here it goes....

It's good to see you using your powers for good and not evil.
-Blue
Thank you Blue. We'd like to think that we are purveyors of high-minded, principled commentary with a conscience. Although we'll settle for the low-browed hypocrisy as well.....you know that better than anyone.

Congrats M#$%,

Your rant is not allowed here in China!

The Great Fire Wall did not allow it: (.

-Ollie
What an honor! 86'ed from an entire country! Well I wish you could have read it Ollie but alas the Great Fire Wall has 1 billion minds to protect from incendiary insight and.....wait a minute! We've had people from China (as we check our google analytics) view our site before...........ahhhh-ha!

This post was banned presumably because of a certain name that was slipped in as a primary example of political/sporting fusion: Gold Medalist Speed Skater Joey Cheek. After his political activism in Turin, Italy at the 2006 Winter Olympiad he went on the radar of future Olympic organizers such as China. With China's tacit support of Sudan's genocide in Darfur through guns for oil, the last thing China would want is a rebel-rouser like Cheek visiting during such a public showcase such as the Olympics. Promptly, Cheek's visa was rejected, and he never made the trip last August........this post mentions Cheek's name so we'll guess that The Great Fire Wall will also crush this piece of resistance like so many nomadic invaders of the previous two millenia. I feel so warm and fuzzy.....proud really.

AIC
Extremely well written,unfortunately with the lack of "hot ass" I question if said blogger truly understands his audience.
In the future I would make the effort to find a lusty swimmer, gymnast, or volleyball player protesting sexism, political intolerance or cruelty to beavers and plaster any and all revealing photos all over the blog.
Just this man's (married) humble opinion.
-Mark
Noted, Mark. It was absentminded of us to not include the politically active women of sport so without further adieu, we present Billy Jean King. It was back in 1973 that Bobby Riggs proclaimed that his "maleness" made him superior to female player Billy Jean King thus leading them to spar in the "Battle of the Sexes" at the Houston Astrodome. Ms. King took up the mantle and successfully battled the pervasive sexism of the day. It is because of her that not just female tennis players owe her a debt of gratitude but all of today's female athletes who are able to make a comfortable living through athletics. In lieu of Billy Jean King pictures we'll instead provide you with her beneficiaries:

Maria Sharapova-Tennis

Anna Kournikova-Tennis

Natalie Coughlin-Swimming

Amanda Beard-Swimming

Logan Tom-Volleyball

We salute you, Billy Jean King.

Do The Right Thing

It's the Thighnal over at Sharapova's Thigh and we have Krystal Forscutt (Aussie on top) versus Keeley Hazell (Brit on bottom). Look at the pictures and guess who's winning......

Trust me....She's pasty! You'll see it if you get to the Thigh.

....wrong!

Somehow people are picking the pasty big boobed girl over the tanned big boobed girl. Tis a travesty so make like Mookie and Do The Right Thing.
2009 Hot Ladies Tournament Championship Game

Editors Note:
Amazingly the Padres have won 8 in a row....haven't checked it but I think they have averaged 3 runs per game during stretch. How the hell does that happen? Smoke and mirrors.

Unfortunately Matt Serra lost to Matt Hughes after nearly knocking him out in the first round. Hughes has become (or became quite some time ago) this Favre-ian type "every man" who does half of his UFC photo-ops in front of a tractor. To his Illinois farm will Hughes retire one day. Gimme a break. Midwestern farmers are humble people....Matt Hughes is a braggart....and a cock.....and in the words of Matt Serra, "He's a dick!".

Lyoto Machida is a bad man. I gave him a slight edge over Rashad Evans but he ended up punishing him......severely. The Light-heavy belt has changed hands in like five consecutive fights---Machida-Evans-Griffin-Jackson-?Lidell?--- ......who knows? I could see The Dragon defending for a while......although the 205 lb division is pretty stacked.

Oh yea.....the Padres won....again! In case you didn't believe me earlier.

Steely Moments in Civil Disobedience

Long have I been a fan of civil disobedience as showcased in the arena of sports.

Some argue for a disconnect between our entertainment and politics...... this is an opinion I wholeheartedly respect. It is akin to the notion that talking religion or politics is poor form whilst throwing back case after case of Pabst Blue Ribbon at the local watering hole. While it is the spectator's opinion that I respect it is the sportsman's courage and representation of civic duty that I truly admire.

It goes back, for me, to that iconic image from Mexico City in 1968. Seeing Tommy Smith and John Carlos, with black sheathed fists thrust skywards, draped in the symbols of 400 years of oppression, was an historic human moment......one that also angered a country in the throws of change:

Tommy Smith recounted, "If I win, I am American, not a black American. But if I did something bad, then they would say I am a Negro. We are black and we are proud of being black. Black America will understand what we did tonight."

Whether or not you agreed with the sentiments conveyed by Smith and Carlos you had to admire the expression by a free people, despite it taking place on an Olympic stage that is designed to be apolitical.

A long line of athletes involved with politics would continue to emerge on a national stage. From Rosey Grier wrestling Sirhan Sirhan to the ground after the RFK assassination to Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf (aka Chris Jackson) turning his back during the National Anthem before games in the Association. It would be easy to call the former heroic and the latter reprehensible but it is the willingness to involve oneself in the debate or to simply create the debate by standing up for a belief that is of greatest import (although it is worth noting that to make millions in the NBA while admonishing the country that provides the same opportunity is hypocrisy in it's worse form).

It is , no doubt, our recent history that has laid the groundwork for the most politically inspired. The inspired ranks have now swelled to include Pittsburgh Steeler James Harrison who recently refused to accept the invitation by President Obama to attend the annual Super Bowl Champions' visit. I would like to think that the Defensive Player of the Year sat wistfully in front of the television during the 2006 Winter Olympiad and found his inspiration from Gold Medalist Speed Skater Joey Cheek who donated his medal bonus to an international humanitarian organization. This organization, called Right to Play, had been established by another gold medal winning speed skater named Johann Olav Koss. Such selfless acts by men who's political associations could serve to tarnish reputations long in the making.

see labels...says it all

It is from the specter of these great athletes that Harrison manifests himself. He is not protesting President Obama's ill advised appointment of a poorly vetted Tom Daschle for Health and Human Services. Nor is he chiding #44 for appearances on Al Jazeera television to discuss Middle East relations. These are not Harrison's issues......his White House ire has been stirred by something much deeper. In Harrison's own words:

"This is how I feel -- if you want to see the Pittsburgh Steelers, invite us when we don't win the Super Bowl. As far as I'm concerned, he [Obama] would've invited Arizona if they had won," said Harrison.

Well said James.

The audacity of Obama with his flimsy 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue invites! When lines are drawn in the sand Americans must, to paraphrase Eldridge Cleaver, "choose whether they will be a part of the problem or the solution." The scope of this issue is too grand to find your self on the wrong side. Thank you, Mr. Harrison for continuing the tradition of athletes putting themselves on the line and taking up courageous positions on some of the most harrowing causes of our time, and arguing them so succinctly.

We're with the Defensive Player Of the Year.

Adrian Gonzalez will make you spill beer

When you have a lead you gotta get after hitters..... but seriously.....why would you ever give Adrian Gonzalez a strike? One blast last night and two tonight....really?

AG is legit, and should NEVER see a strike based on the ground-chuck surrounding him. But thanks anyways Cubs, et al. He's about all we've got so thanks for letting him play. The pride of San Diego.

In Memoriam

Memo
To: America
From: Red Blooded Males
Re: Dancing With The Stars

WTF America? Julianne Hough is an amazing dancer! How could you have voted her off two weeks ago? She was technically superior despite that stiff of a partner/boyfriend, Chuck Wicks.... yet here I am, refusing to watch sports on Monday nights!

I'm done with you, voters of America! I'll wait for So You Think You Can Dance. In memoriam...

Swept by the 'Stros

The Dodger's losing Manny for 50 games doesn't do the Padres a whole lot of good when they can't even pitch. I think the following excerpt from Craig Elsten at 619 Sports really says it all:

"The Padres have what you could call a top-heavy staff, maybe Dolly Parton-style top-heavy. Peavy and CY are great, but what lies below is of concern. In the 'pen, it's Bell and oh Hell."

Does anything else need to be said? "In the 'pen, it's Bell and oh Hell."
Bell and oh Hell. It's been said....I will sleep now.

Editor's Note:
Kyle Blanks has started playing LF with the Portland Beavers...that's a nice piece of fish.
Experiment begins with Blanks in left [SD Union-Tribune]

Aztec Sacrifices Falcons

Stephen Strasburg cut down Air Force this evening to the tune of 17 Ks and......ZERO hits! That's right, an Aztec no-no. Go to 619 Sports where Chris Ello spoke with Strassy and Tony Gwynn, post-game.

Magical Strasburg Moment: No-Hits Air Force [619 Sports]

Too Steep of "Mountains" for Alba to Climb

In The Sports World:
Shunned for cutting her bangs and birthing a child, Jessica Alba was handily defeated by a 22 year old Brit at the 2009 Hot Ladies Tournament. This Sports Blog wept...the cause taken up too late in the game.

The task was daunting....like asking Sir Edmund Hillary to climb Everest without oxygen or his Sherpa, Tenzing Norgay....in TWO days no less! To overcome a 24 point deficit with this country's current state of voter apathy? For even the staunchest of Alba party supporters, these were Mountains far too grand to scale. I am however, proud of OUR efforts and His Holiness The Dalai Lama would have been touched by the Eleventh Hour pull to save his Co-Spiritual Adviser.

It was an upmountains battle and the polling over the last two days shook out like this:

Only a 1% increase but the reason never could have been more obvious....

Can Man be faulted for choosing Keeley Hazell? We think not.

We appreciate the supporters of this site and their efforts to maintain the privileged status of our Spiritual Sage.

Also a special thanks to The World's Ombudsmen for rallying the East Coast Contingent. Cheers.

For the remainder of the 2009 Thighnal Four: Sharapova's Thigh

From Bennifer to Mannywood

I took time out to think yesterday.

Yes. Between strategy sessions for boosting Jessica Alba's Thighnal Four possibilities I began to think about something other than the Memphis Tigers-like thrashing Ms. Alba was being served in the 2009 Hot Ladies Tournament. Let us be candid....while the hot ladies are good sport we needed something with, I don't know, a little more balls....

Like a spider monkey cavorting down the avenues of my mind came the following: Bennifer-Brangelina- TomKat -BenJen-Billary......oh please stop, mind..... the dreaded celebrity super-couple uni-name. I curse that Masshole Ben Affleck and J-Lo for ever opening the door to overexposed combo names..... but the real question is why on Earth would that inane topic be blighting my mind?

Which brings us full circle to sports and the current union of names: Manny Ramirez and Hollywood went forth, fornicated and left us with the dirty afterbirth known as: Mannywood.

I thought of the idiocy of this combo-name in great detail yesterday: great detail constituted 1 minute and 29 seconds where my thought's exclamation point was a resounding, "Fuck'n' Hell!". Does everything need to be reduced to a cute little name? Apparently so. Such a creative lot are we. But what I didn't realize was that the cutsie name was actually a LAtrine promotion. When did I find this out? Well today of course.....

Manny Ramirez was suspended for a whopping 50 games for steroids! Another fraud exposed.

I don't think Manny could get wood.....hence the female fertility drug.... ahhh, the side effects of steroids.

According to ESPN 800 Mannywood is the left field section where Jag-offs can purchase an overpriced ticket ($99--clever) and a Manny T-shirt. What to do Los Angeles, now that your Pajama wearing LF is on the rack trying to get his testicles to return to normal without using a banned female fertility drug? The Los Angeles Times reported and we copied and pasted:

Ramirez tested positive during spring training for "a banned performance-enhancing substance that is not technically an anabolic steroid," according to a source not authorized to speak publicly about the issue.

The substance, identified by the source as human chorionic gonadotropin (HCG), could legitimately be prescribed for a man who does not naturally produce enough testosterone, according to a high-ranking sports doping authority. But HCG often is used as an antidote to diminished testosterone levels at the end of a cycle of steroid treatments, said BALCO founder and convicted steroid dealer Victor Conte.

HCG is one of dozens of substances prohibited under baseball's drug policy. Players can call a hotline to check on the legality of any substances, and they can obtain a therapeutic use exemption for any legitimate medical use of a banned substance.

"This is failing more than a drug test," Conte said. "This is failing an IQ test.

Well....my friend Boston (from Boston) always said, "Manny's a fucking moron!". That was even when the Sox were winning a 2007 World Series.

The truly sad part of this entire ordeal is not that one more hero of our generation* has fallen, disgracing himself and our National Pastime but that, absent Manny Ramirez, the Padres STILL don't have a chance at the division!!

What's up with Edwin Moreno? That guy was clearly decomposing at the bottom of the dumpster that Kevin Towers found him in.

*The greatest right handed hitter in the game....it's not quite Pujols yet....very close though.....did you know that Albert Pujols carries a Louis Vitton man purse? Saw it with my own two eyes as he walked through the Gaslamp in 2006. Es La Verdad.)

Jessica Alba needs your help...

Those in the "know" recognize Jessica Alba as one of the spiritual advisers to this site.....she now calls on your aid, a Sage in need.

Chicago sports blog, Sharapova's Thigh, has been running a March Madness style tournament for hot ladies, appropriately titled: 2009 Hot Ladies Tournament. Jessica Alba is a number one seed and has reached The Elite Eight....where she's currently being crushed by the number 2 seed, a Big Breasted Brit named Keeley Hazell.

I won't stoop so low as to appeal to jingoism in attempting to defeat the British Bombshell. Don't let national origins sway you......or gigantic, errr...boxing gloves.

I shall appeal only to reason...your reason. Jessica Alba is a beacon of light during the most dire of times.....she is a symbol...of all that ever was good and will be again (James Earl Jones as Terrence Mann in Field of Dreams). Reason, Ladies and Gentlemen. Reason.

I urge you to perform your civic duty. Vote and nullify the corrupted Chicago political machine. Push Ms. Alba on to the Final Four.

An Alba defeat could very well lead to the spontaneous combustion of this site........think about it. The below standings are unacceptable(only counting my vote once?!)!

Vote for Alba @ Sharapova's Thigh [Click]

That is a nice piece of fish...very dependable

I apologize to the Faithful Eleven*. You are a small but devoted contingent and you deserve better than the infrequency of my random posts. But I'm here to proclaim that your visit shall pay dividends tonight. You are about to gain access to the official catch phrase of this blog......one of those little insider-only-isms.....and here it is:

That is a nice piece of fish....very dependable.

Yes.....I find the Jack-in-the-Box commercial for Mini Buffalo Ranch Chicken Sandwiches one of the funniest things going. That old man in the body wrap blanket waxing nostalgic about a McDonald's filet-o-fish sandwich kills me. What? You don't get it? Neither does my wife and that's ok....let's explain:

It's funny, no explanations needed. There are currently no internet representations of this commercial so you're forced to take my word on its awesomeness....the following You Tube video should be convincing enough as to all-around general comedy found in Jack commercials:

Now that you're a believer, how is it that you can incorporate our catch phrase into daily living? Quite simple really. Anything that is "good" should be modified as follows: That banned Jack commercial was dope! It's a good piece of fish...very dependable.
Let's try some more.....Heath Bell just pitched the 9th and 10th struck out FOUR, got the win and broke our losing streak: Nice piece of fish...very dependable.

Can you believe that Jessica Alba just had a baby? Look at that body! That is a nice piece of fish...very dependable.

Very Dependable

or......
How about that weather today? 74 degrees and breezy! San Diego: A nice piece of fish....very dependable.
This blog, brother? A nice piece of fish....very dependable (working on the dependable component). You get the point.

Go forth, Faithful Eleven, and propagate our message. We look forward to hearing this phrase reach critical mass across the 28 countries we've been exposed to....man up, Slovenia!

Become a part of the lexicon....2009's Truthiness.

*the Faithful Eleven is an arbitrary designation to those who check this blog frequently. It's not actually as low as eleven...on account of being huge in Europe's Eastern bloc.

Rearview Mirror.... (.500)

John Cougar Mellencamp's "Crumblin' Down" seems the perfect song to describe our Padres. I don't know if the "walls" were ever truly up.....but they are tumblin' down. We were 9-3....we are 11-14.....I can't bare to do the math.....I do know that we were just swept by the Dodgers (that's a four game sweep).

Editor's note:
Fuck Ricky Hatton! You owe us $50 bucks, guy!

Who is this man?

1.Who is this man?
a. Oakland Raider coach Tom Cable
b. Mr. Creamy Vanilla "T"
c. Cholla, Fearless Leader of The Black Widows
d. One of our Founding Fathers
e. The same a-hole featured in the post below (scroll down for a-hole-douche-baggery)

Great Moments in Humanhood

What kind of draft analysis do you think this guy would provide. A great moment in fackin' Humanhood.

English sounds good on the radio (no pun)

I said that I would scream at the TV had we taken Knowshon Moreno or Beanie Wells with our first round pick last Saturday. Running back was not a need in 2009. We want to win a Super Bowl in 2009.....get us players that will be the means to that end, AJ.

Then we used the 16th pick to draft a pass rush specialist? Is something wrong with Merriman (aside from the fact that when his contract expires it is believed he will be allowed to walk to get his "Albert Haynesworth-type" compensation else where)? No shouting at the TV...bewilderment and betrayal, yes.

Why an OLB? Who's Larry English? What were people posting on the UT message boards? Most everyone was pissed as they continued to clamor for Rey Maualuga.....(incidentally Maualuga turned out to be the one of the most overrated things going into the draft as he plummeted to #38 where he was taken by the Criminality Bengals). Given time to think about the English pick however, I have surmised the following:

• This is Ron Rivera's unit now. If there is anyone who can utilize the skills of Larry English it is the man who cut his teeth under 46 Guru, Buddy Ryan. The 1985 Bears were the first team to truly bring the house....we'll bring so many athletes at the QB from so many different angles/directions/gaps that your QB will crap himself.....the result: sack/hurried pass/int.....pick your poison. Don't believe Larry English can strike fear into the opposition? Look at the fear in this Gopher's eyes:

The eyes say it all:.......awwwww fuuuuu-dge!

I have to believe that if they find ways to get English on the field our defense could return to being a devastating unit. We have the fastest corner in the league in Antonio Cromartie (although he might not actually be very good) and one of the better cover corners in Quentin Jammer......man up and bring the house!!!!

Of course if none of that happens and the English pick was solely for the purpose of replacing Merriman when his contract expires then I ........ well, I'll probably yell at the TV.

Anyways, I heard Larry English on with Scott & BR right after his coach from NIU, Larry Kill. I was impressed. It sounds like we've got a talented football player who is also a pretty quality guy. So at least we've got that going for us....

Here's some audio from the last two days:

NIU Head Coach Larry Kill on XX1090 [Scott & BR-Monday]
1st Round Pick-Larry English [Scott & BR-Monday]
4th Round Pick/Project-Gigantic Canadian/Jamaican Vaughn Martin [Darren Smith-Monday]

AJ Smith on XTRA Sports 1360 [Josh and Brian-Monday]
3rd round pick, G Luis Vazquez [Josh and Brian-Monday]

The English Debate and kool-aid drinking [619 Sports-Tuesday]
Looking at the Picks on day two of the draft [619 Sports-Tuesday]

Padres Week 3: Rough Weekend @ The $9 buck cup

Three weeks down and the Padres are sitting 2 above .500---2 1/2 behind LA. It could be worse. The disappointing news is in that we were swept by the Giants (only a 2 game set) and then dropped a series to the Pirates at home.....our pitcher's park....where Jake Peavy can't seem to....well, pitch! The Padres are over .500 and Jake is under .500 (2-3).

While the team is beginning to come back to earth they still exhibit elements of entertaining baseball whether it be the fundamentals (moving runners over, backing up positions), hustle (see David Eckstein), sound hitting (Adrian Gonzalez crushed one like no other ever hit at The Bark, yesterday) or the youth movement (Headley, Hundley,--insert bullpen pitcher here--, the injured Evereth Cabrera). Those are all positive things and when coupled with good prices they are reasons to stay on the bandwagon.

More interesting Padre bits and pieces:

• Geoff Young looking at the last week and the overuse of a certain pitch by a certain pitcher, in his column Eight Sliders Sliding [Ducksnorts]

• Padre Unis....after all, a Friar does wear a brown robe not Blue [The Sacrifice Bunt]

• A struggling Peavy and yesterday's debacle against the Pirates [San Diego UT]

• A podcast by Craig Elsten and Chris Ello regarding the Padres "surging" (tongue-in-cheek) to a power ranking of #10 in MLB [619 Sports]

Three game set against the Rockies gets going at 5;40 pm today.....Chris Young must right the ship.

More English

Larry English Info:

"The Chargers' selection of OLB Larry English is legitimately shocking for a variety of reasons."
Read more at:[San Diego Bolt Report]

Larry English @ #16

Was OLB a need (Merriman and Phillips)? Looks good on video...

Twitter...it's all down hill from here

Teamwork on the Savanna

These Oxpeckers need this Zebra......and it needs them. They make excellent use of each other. As the Oxpecker eats ticks and parasites off of the Zebra, the beast thanks them for the pest control. These birds also serve as a warning signal for any potential threats on the savanna. Hmmm......

By a landslide...

Charger Fans just say, "Rey!"