Hapless Raiders, Almost Massholes, and Tom Brady

We recognized Patriot QB Matt Cassel as our Almost Masshole of the Week yesterday for his 4 touchdown performance against the *Hapless Raiders after his father had passed away earlier in the week. It feels as though we would be "cheating" on Tom Brady however if we didn't in some way mention him today.

It must be stressed, that in no way do we feel that Zoolander is a "System Quarterback", due to the sustained success Matt Cassel has experienced with the New England Patriots this season.... immense success after not having started a game since the days when he would have (or might have) funneled six beers and then gone to the local Denny's where he would have proceeded to projectile vomit blueberry milkshakes on to unsuspecting underclassmen.....we call those days high school (by "we", we mean, "we").

Tom Brady is probably not a System Quarterback....which brings us to......a thought on Tom Brady.

Pouting or Blue Steel?

We saw this picture of Tom Terrific while reading a very funny "alleged diatribe" by him against Matt Cassel (Click for funniness).

Now while the piece over at Kissing Suzy Kolber was very funny we like to use those sort of things as "springboards" to new avenues of thinking....some people call that "thinking outside the box"....we call it "a waste of time" and being "overly critical" but in the end "very funny" and an ample excuse to use "quotation marks". Our critique.....

We've never seen an athlete's eye black so perfectly drawn beneath the eyes.

It was done so perfectly it got us to thinking...was it put on by a woman? Like a supermodel girlfriend? Then we thought, wait a minute, it looks just like the woman in the restroom for the State Farm Insurance commercial, Feeling Kinda Sunday, who uses the mascara to apply the athletic eye black...so we went and found a picture! Guess what we found...

sorry it's not on straight...I'm not a really, really, really, ridiculously, good looking male model

...aside from the fact that she would look much hotter without bangs (is that a Metro evaluation?), she did a pretty acceptable job with the ol' black stuff. And by acceptable we mean to say that it looks like a MAN PUT IT ON!

As it pertains to Tom Brady: he is an even bigger Metro than we thought or Giselle does his make-up in the locker room. Either scenario spells f-r-u-i-t-l-o-o-p or in the Northeastern vernacular of Bahston, Mass......yah ah fahkin homo queuhh.

Allow us to give a tutorial on how not to look like Tom Brady.....

show 'em your warface

If you choose to actually take time during application try to look menacing...

I am going to kill you...seriously...

If at any time you are accused of committing murder....well then you can wear your eye black any way you fuckin' please!

Tom Brady is a douche bag.

*From hence forward we will refer to the Oakland Raiders as The Hapless Raiders. I was reading a book that described the Tampa Bay Devil Rays as The Hapless Devil Rays back in 2004 on account of their suckitude (a high aptitude for sucking) so it seems appropriate to attach that moniker to the team from Oakland because they are a real embarrassment. Oh yea...the book was Faithful by Stephen King....about the 2004 Boston Red Sox....Maybe Stephen King should have been our Almost Masshole of the Week for helping us with a new name for the Oakland Raiders (technically King is from Maine but since the Red Sox and Patriots reside in MA but are claimed by all New Englanders....he's a Masshole).