Mathematically Alive = Very Funny

Looks like Frank Caliendo is impersonating Charles Barkley talking NBA...but you could just as easily substitute the Chargers as his subject:



In a word, the San Diego Chargers are...terble, terble, terble...just terble...

Terble,Terble,Terble

An Omen

A devilish image to be sure....in the dirt a dying falcon....lightning from the Football Gods?

Chargers 27 Falcons 24

Matt Ryan comes through as our Almost Masshole of the Week...

MATT RYAN
#2

Oh Plaxico, We'll Always Have Superbowl XLII

"WHAT?!!!!!!......OHHH, YEA!!!!!!!
Yea, I'll bring my gat to the Latin Quarter nightclub in Manhattan.
I'll have loads of cash and be wearin' my chains, but I'm leavin' my grill at home with Mrs. Burress!
Let's Get CRUNK...I got nuthin to lose!"


In this 24 hour news cycle world we're a few steps behind per usual....

What you know: Plaxico Burress put a hole in the same leg that has a game-missing-worthy hamstring injury and everything good has already been said about it or written. Any worries about his mental wellness and football future....taken. Any funny angle about his stupidity.....taken.

The one and only thing we'll say regarding the issue is that when we saw that the GSW was self-inflicted, we laughed...

Oh yea, and then you'll say,

"That's Horrible!"

And then we'll reply,

"But why?"

And you'll be all,

"He's a troubled human being!"

And we'll be like,

"Yea. He got 45 million troubles during the off season but gun safety lessons shouldn't be one."

"You're an ASSHOLE!"

"So!'

"Where's your compassion?"

"We save it for people who actually need to carry guns for a living...and Detroit Lion fans."

"Dick!"

"Shooting yourself is funny. Sue us! Thanks for beating the Pats, Plax! See you in 3 to 5!"

Plaxico says, "Patriots are only gonna score 17 points"

Thanksgiving Origin Myth

DEADSPIN's Interpretation of Ocho Cinco the Injun KillerYou will click this link. Gravy will pour out of your eyes and you will shit the bed in laughter. Hold on tight for an interpretation by Chad Eight Five about the origins of Thanksgiving as told to coach Marvin Lewis.

It all seems very plausible and for a moment you suspend reality and cease to believe that a box of rocks could out smart Chad Eight Five. Thank you Deadspin.

Preliminary Thanksgiving Gaping V

First things first...Let's not put the cart ahead of the horse....No counting of chickens before they hatch...we are all familiar with these common place idioms.

Sometimes we have a tendency to get ahead of ourselves and there is perhaps no better phrase to illustrate this point than the words uttered by The Wolf to Jules Winfield and Vincent Vega after they had cleaned up Marvin's Brains in Pulp Fiction....To quell the notion that they were home free he reminded them:

"Let's don't go suckin' each others' dicks just yet!"

To that end it would be premature to so quickly award the next Gaping V without having seen the remainder of the games on this week's slate. The award named after the Jerry Curl sportin', Rec Specs wearin', neck brace stylin', high steppin' right out of bounds via the Southern Methodist University deserves to see equal opportunity given. Our front runner, after three horrific plates of turkey, thus far:

Detroit Lion Safety Daniel Bullocks

We have widened the parameters once again...defenders should have the opportunity to be labeled as female anatomy as well. Playing in front of a national audience on Thanksgiving with the ignominy of a winless season in the making....this guy pulled the old 'OLE'...we weren't fooled! What made the lack of effort so much worse is that it was Soft As Cookie Dough Lendale White who-came-a lumbering through the goal line. C'mon Bullocks! Grabbing on to soft and cuddly things is so nice, so easy...Never mind the Bullocks, here's the Vaginas!

Out in the west we call that bullshit...Ole!

Whiiiiiiifffffff! No wins are comin' with tackles like that!

Now we realize Lendale looks like a big fella...but trust us, he's a soft bowl of cookie dough like Mom used to make. This is Lendale coming out of USC at the 2006 Scouting Combine....

My last name is White, not Hut...WTF?

Soft, no? He'd probably explode upon impact with a solid shoulder. He's come a long way but Lendale's still a softie...

smart money's on gravy not jello

You'll never see this guy with his shirt off...even as a more svelte NFL RB, Lendale endlessly loses shit in that belly button (usually car keys)....which brings us back to Daniel Bullocks.

You had a chance to blow a fat man up in front of the whole USA....we'll never know whether gravy or jello would have hemorrhaged out of Lendale, upon being dealt a vicious "Ronnie Lott like hit", for one reason and one reason only....you, Daniel Bullocks, decided to show us your Gaping V.

PS
Could it be more fitting that your name translates to castrated bull? Well, it was an awfully docile attempt at a tackle.
You're on notice, Bullocks! There's a lot of games left this week so here's to you sliding your way out of it.

The Fed is Taking Requests

We're inept (i.e. we qualify for government intervention)

Dunkin Donuts Coffee.......wearing off...........must come up with better material...submit ideas for photo caption...(saw during game, stole photo from Deadspin)

Preliminary Almost Masshole of the Week

The preliminary Almost Masshole of the Week goes to Dunkin' Donuts Coffee of Mass. via Costco. Cheers for keeping us awake during drive to IB...and upon arrival, alive. Also your hot goodness kept us awake through three of the worst football games ever then nursed us through the tryptophan coma for a long drive home. You're a righteous Massholian caffeinator!

However we're looking to see you get edged out this Sunday by former Boston College Tahd, Matt Ryan. We appreciate you keeping us alive but the Chargers need a win. Covet thy award, Masshole...

I ain't ever killed no puppy!

Why We Get The Lions Each Thanksgiving

Upon reflection there's only one possible reason that every 4th Thursday of November we are forced to stomach the Lions along with four different styles of yams...and it's not tradition.

Gentlemen...we are facing a highly organized, Holiday Season Conspiracy. This HSC has been orchestrated by the women in our lives...

Mothers, Wives, and special lady friends comprise one of the most powerful lobbies in the United States of America....and they infiltrated the NFL Commissioner's Office long ago...

Think about it...it makes perfect sense! We know that each year we will spend our Thanksgivings watching football and EATING an obscene quantity of food. But what happens each Thanksgiving morning? There, to little surprise, is a project waiting for you. These projects include quick trips to the grocery store to pick up forgotten items or ventures into the garage to drag out the Christmas bins...Christmas does start tomorrow, just ask the woman in your life! These women tell you what needs to be done, prefaced by, "I don't care when you do it as long as it gets done!"

You check the TV guide...Lions play the early game (always)...and the decision is made...

....off to work because you know you won't miss a thing (except a holiday drubbing). During the Lions game it is also an excellent time to travel, if need be, to the homes of your friends or relatives for their presentations of Thanksgiving Dinner.

Why just today I was tasked with babysitting and grocery store duty where I missed the 1st quarter of the game and it was 21-3 Titans when I returned...and I didn't feel one bit bad about missing it. The 4th quarter will be used for drive time to the Parents' house. It is a vast HSC!

This powerful cabal of women, somehow infiltrated the NFL Commissioner's office and convinced him to always run a meaningless game in the morning (see Lions) and in return, we surmise, the women agreed to leave the TV on so the ratings would stay high and we would be subjected to the all-important revenue making commercials necessary as we pass by mid-chore...

Beer...

Roger Goodell has been anything but benevolent during his reign but we suspect that he knows better than to fuck with these power brokers...thus the status quo remains despite the annual No-Contest that is the Detroit Lions Thanksgiving Performance.

It all seems very reasonable...why else would we get the Detroit Lions each year?

I have that outfit for when I cook

We don't need anymore turkey (It's 44-10...time to start driving.)

Dallas v Seattle looks to be a stinker also...Thank goodness Ma and Pa have the NFL Network...Cardinals v Eagles should be good.

Happy Thanksgiving.

The Good Ol' Thanksgiving Days

Merriman and Brady Sightings

Shawne Merriman, during his knee rehabilitation, has been spotted on the sideline shouting words of encouragement to his struggling teammates.

He has also contributed to the community by taking part in the annual Chargers' Blood Drive.

Tom Brady has been perfecting his Le Tigre and Blue Steel signature poses for his post NFL career:

Well the Le Tigre is kind of fruity but his Blue Steel (below) is very solid. Giselle ,without doubt, has raised the bar for Tom.

It's good to see Zoolander so consumed with helping Scott Cassel lead the Patriots back to the playoffs. Their last home game, against the J-E-T-S, saw an honorary tribute to retiring Patriot Troy Brown (the same Troy Brown who stripped Marlon McCree on 1/14/07 propelling the Pats to the AFC Championship game).....where was Tom? Dude is weird.

Dear Dean and AJ:

Shawne Merriman is the straw that stirs the drink. He's not only the best defender he's the heart and soul of the team. Don't let him walk in 2010.

Norv is Still Here

Sorry but Norv Turner is still our coach.

Oh how long ago to you, were we a stellar 14-2?

There are others who are carrying the torch for Norv's dismissal. Check it out and enjoy:

Fire Norv Turner A.K.A. FIRENORV.COM

...and those who can empathize with our pain...

The Coach is Killing Me

...may these give you solace in our time of grief and loss...Were still in it, though!!!! The kool-aid is powerful...powerful, men!

Our Next "Gaping V" goes to...

This is Jermaine Gresham and he was catching balls for the Oklahoma Sooners on Saturday evening.

Height: 6-5

Weight: 264

Class: Junior

Position: TE

He is good at catching balls and it's not necessarily because his vagina is so big! Yes, Jermaine Gresham is the winner of this week's Gaping V.

We couldn't believe it when we saw this behemoth run out of bounds in the 1st quarter against a tiny Texas Tech corner....it was nearly as obscene as us having sat through the entirety of that back alley beat down. How could a guy his size not punish such a lilliputian corner?

We knew Gresham was big but we had to be precise so our research team went out and gathered the dirt... in addition to the height and weight we discovered that he is a highly rated TE for the 2009 draft....he also does not fancy himself a Gaping V-_-_-_-_-_....

How do we know?

Jermaine Gresham is a certified Bad Ass!

That's what his Facebook page says, anyway. In addition to his coursework in Sports and Recreation, this young Sooner has a PH.D in Badassology. Hey Jermaine, now you have another award to hang with the Doctorate framed in your dorm. Good luck explaining it.

PS

You're 264 lbs---blast the hell out of those little fellas! Keep it in bounds!
...and watch out for the University of Southern California.

Just Good Enough To...LOSE

Don't say it....You were about to say, "UNBELIEVABLE!!!". Don't bother!

It's really rather believable.

We learned all we needed after watching the two men calling plays on the sideline tonight. Norv didn't rise to the occasion...Dungy did.

How you could call a timeout before a FG try and possibly leave an additional 30 seconds on the clock for one of the best QBs of our generation who would only have to take it into game winning FG attempt territory is beyond us. We'll take it one step further though....why not go for it on 4th down instead of attempting a FG from a distance that Nate Kaeding has missed on 6 of his previous 9 attempts? Then you have a chance to not only win the game but you ensure that , at best, Peyton Manning won't touch the ball until the overtime session. The answer to that is quite simple really....Norv Turner has no guts....and he never will.

We Call For Norv's Head based solely on a hypothetical though. What would Norv have done in Dungy's position? A 4th and inches scenario with less than a minute to go in a tie game? Norv would have punted. Dungy went for it...WITH A PASS PLAY! Norv Turner would have punted the football away because he's a cautious little pussy.

We've seen outstanding Defensive Adjustments made by DC Ron Rivera, the kind that actually make watching our D palatable. Where are the offensive adjustments? We had 10 points on the board with 5:40 left in the game against a mediocre defense who was missing Bob Sanders, a former Defensive Player of the Year. Norv Turner, Offensive guru? Terrible.

Our Mixed Fruit Plate is Half Full though.....the Broncos suck, with another home loss, this time to the Oakland Raiders. The Donks' schedule, for the remainder, is a rough one too....that alone provides hope! But when you couple it with a defense on the cum there is reason for optimism....we just need an offensive adjustment from the preeminent offensive mind of our generation.....yes we mean Norv....

...like we said... Half Full!

"Charlie The Hut": Almost Masshole of the Week

(Fat Bastard was Scottish...Charlie Weiss is "Irish"...get it right, ya foockin' cunt!)

Last Week we discussed the possibility of a new award:

Which brings us to the Almost New Award that was to be issued this week:

~MASSHOLE OF THE WEEK~

This is an award given to the person from Massachusetts who either helps our teams in some way or who just dispels any well earned beliefs the country has about people from that state.

The inaugural prize was to go to Atlanta's Matt Ryan who nearly Quarterbacked the Falcons to a victory over the visiting Broncos thus helping the Charger cause...but blew it in the end. Matt Ryan, Boston College Alum, our Almost Masshole Of The Week!!!!

This Week we had former Patriot Offensive Coordinator and current Notre Dame Coach, Charlie Weiss, all lined up to take the award......it seemed fitting as we had a contingent of Avengers in South Bend on hand to see the Irish destroy the Orangemen (after destroying their livers):

(we ask for a picture during the game...we get the bar after the game)

---the story was writing itself and then the ticker read:

Syracuse 24__Notre Dame 23

Nobody can seem to lock up the coveted "Masshole of the Week" award so we reserve the right to change the name and parameters of the award to better serve our purpose, hence, the following new heading on the hardware...

~The Almost Masshole of the Week~

Way to go Masshole...the 2007-2008 Irish, have set a school record for most losses in a two season span....life time contract? Maybe the Notre Dame Board of Regents have been talking with the Chargers' front office...

"Charlie The Hut" is our Almost Masshole of the Week....

PS
Regardless, we're sure that the EastCoastRedNek, ME, and EZ had a memorable time.

The Chargers' Brass versus Albert Einstein

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

~Albert Einstein (attributed)

"As San Diego Charger HC, Norv Turner's (funny link) record is 17-12....he was shit canned by the Redskins and Raiders for a simple reason....he's not a very good Head Coach!!!!!"

~The Civilized World

(Boy, does that 'look', look familiar...attire makes him look like even bigger loser)

"Dean Spanos says it is 'ridiculous' to speculate on Norv Turner's job security. A.J. Smith has called it 'foolish'."

~Tim Sullivan (Friday UT column)

Dear AJ and Dean:

We're forced to go with Dr. Einstein's "insanity clause" on this one.......a vote of confidence (ROTFLOAO)......

....and we continue on an uncharted course through Bizarro Charger World.

Bizarro Charger World

It's official....we live in Bizarro Charger World!

Like the space and time of Superman we too are living a backwards and puzzling existence.

On Seinfeld there was a "Bizarro Jerry" pitted against Jerry Seinfeld's sitcom character.... we also find ourselves being stalked by an evil alter ego. A wretched hole to be sure, this parallel place.

This reversed version of our world has, as its team, the complete opposite of what we have grown accustomed to the last two seasons.

• The Bolts don't cause turnovers.

• They can't control the clock.

• They don't travel well.

• They find new and ever interesting ways to lose games.

It is torture of the worst variety to follow this team right now (it is torture of another nature to follow the Padres).

Who is this team? They are the team that found a way to lose 10-11 for the first time in the history of the NFL. And you new that it was destined to be when the Chargers scored and left the Steelers with six minutes left on the clock...just enough time to pass the ball thirteen times underneath (give or take) into a soft zone, run the clock off, and kick the winning field goal.

Are Kaeding's stats between 40-49 yds really what CBS said they were? Don't remember exactly but it was something ridiculous like 1 for his last 9....

Technically we weren't supposed to win this game but neither was Denver supposed to beat Atlanta on the road so we're running out of chances....

Which brings us to the Almost New Award that was to be issued this week:

~MASSHOLE OF THE WEEK~

This is an award given to the person from Massachusetts who either helps our teams in some way or who just dispels any well earned beliefs the country has about people from that state.

The inaugural prize was to go to Atlanta's Matt Ryan who nearly Quarterbacked the Falcons to a victory over the visiting Broncos thus helping the Charger cause...but blew it in the end. Matt Ryan, Boston College Alum, our Almost Masshole Of The Week!!!!

Can't wait to see what transpires next in Bizarro Charger World...

TODAY: Life Must Not Imitate Art...

It would be a lost cause if today's Charger/ Steeler game mimicked this Nike commercial:

A draw with Polamalu would be no good...that's a battle that must be won by LT and the Chargers. There is nothing in the cards that says we should win....traveling to the East coast...playing a first place team....snow flurries....the way we looked last week against KC...but there is one man who is still stirring the Kool-Aid....one man who still believes the Charger D held back last week so that they could throw the kitchen sink at the Steelers this week...

Ol' BR had given indications that he was no longer drinking that batch of Kool-Aid but this morning on the Game Day Report he indicated otherwise...we shall see...

I Must Break You...

New UFC heavyweight champion Brock Lesnar or poorly tattooed, more steroid injected version of 1980s villain Ivan Drago? Drago was huge during his time and the natural progression would seem to be that of former NCAA wrestling champion Lesnar.

After landing a vicious donkey punch to the back of Randy Couture's ear he proceeded to mount Couture and land 71 consecutive hammer fists to his bald cauliflowered head, Lesnar appeared to be muttering the famous phrase from The Siberian Express....

"If he dies...he dies..."

Lesnar is from South Dakota and anyone who has seen Fargo would be hard pressed to say that it wasn't filmed on location in Siberia...

In other UFC look alike news: We couldn't figure out whether Dustin Hazlett was going for the Karl Marx or Charles Darwin look...

The political right would be uneasy in either case but fight fans, on the other hand, were given a special treat... Hazlett broke off his opponent's arm and took it home as a trophy... it was painful yet beautiful to watch...

Dustin Hazelett defeats Tamdan McCrory via Submission (Armbar) in Round One

ps

Cheers for the beers, Mark

Vikings DE Jared Allen: Political Pundit or Celebrity Impersonator?

Since we're still in the political season....want to know what Vikings DE Jared Allen is thinking?

Oh you want to know...he's smart. Trust us. His analysis of the political climate will become dogma. His mathematical mind works at an exponential rate. What the hell are we talking about? Here's what Jared Allen was thinking:

Jared Allen Supported McCain

Jared Allen said today was a "sad day" because John McCain had lost the election. He's not a big fan of Barack Obama's proposals that would include a higher tax rate for the wealthiest Americans, raising the rate from 35 percent to more than 39 percent. "There’s nothing I can do about it now," Allen said. "Our paychecks will be cut in half. It is what it is. McCain, I still love you. We still love you in Arizona. Obama, you better do what you promised because, well, the whole country’s watching."

Once again, that was what Jared Allen was thinking....
....and here's what he wasn't thinking...

"If I keep moonlighting as the biker with the Village People I might get my fourth DUI...those guys party hard after gigs...really hard..."

Is it Allen's legal troubles that have him worried about a proposed tax hike by Barrack Obama? Don't worry...Jared Allen's making $21 million this year, he can afford legal counsel! Does that qualify as a "Sad Day" in this country....we mean "Year"?

We've all heard that Barack Obama is a social Marxist, a re-distributer of wealth (Jared Allen's wealth) and in all likelihood a future playmate of Hugo Chavez and one of the Castro brothers.... he is the illegitimate son of Marx and Engels...

Marx's desire for a revolutionary re-structuring of society
+
Engels' analysis of the appalling conditions of the working class

=
This guy (minus the beard)overthrowing our economic system through a 4 % tax increase for the uber wealthy and
re-distributing it to the dregs that don't even pay taxes?

A bit dramatic isn't it?

Our issue with Jared Allen isn't that he is complaining about his taxes going up by 4% during a time when the working man can barely afford to see him running around the Metrodome.

Our issue is not with his salary. Everyone is worth $21 million a year.

We don't even care that his Idaho State education failed to provide him with the skills necessary to differentiate between a 15% (35% to 50%) tax increase and a 4% tax increase.

We can live with all those things, even the extra coin he's picking up as a stand-in for the Village people....

But what we will not condone...what we will not turn away from and tolerate is....

Jared Allen's insistence on mimicking John Travolta and that ridiculous Stayin' Alive headband. We get that fashion trends arrive late to the interior of the country....places like Idaho, Kansas City and now Minnesota....and we get that those trends will stick around way past their shelf life...but the lag time is supposed to be at MOST 3 years....not 3 DECADES!

In a time where our economic downturn dictates that the average man be appalled at anyone who cried foul when they made $21 million for the year.....all we can think about is that stupid headband and retarded little sack dance....the barbed wire tattoo is solid though....

political speak=picture of Alba...we don't care how many times we use it...
love it or leave it

This story was originally brought to our attention by the Scott and BR show and we would like to give credit for keeping us abreast of this important news....unlike Jared Allen who didn't even consider giving credit to AJ Smith for thieving his signature phrase...
"It is, what it is".

4th and Long Hits 'Em Hard in a Special Comment

In Review: We've had the Quote of the year this week preceded by the Analogy of the year all on the heels of the Best cheerleader story of the year.

What better time than now for the Avenging Ombudsmen to give a special comment! His moniker may be 4th and Long but trust us when we say....he ain't punting...he's going after that Patriot Cheerleader and her grammatically challenged "special" fella--Animal Style!!!

(Look at those Characters)

Explain to me why it is a good idea.. to draw anything on anyone's face at all? What should this mean? Why do we do it? Methinks it a bit untoward in the first place. However, having been a victim of certain "I love *expletive*" scribblings myself, a long, long time ago in a galaxy far away, I can discern from both ends of the spectrum. At this juncture, I would like to point out the 3 "D's" of passing out drunk around people what likes make mischief.... DON'T DO DAT.... It is almost the charge of those good friends around you to remind you why being out of control wasted is... well, not a good idea. A sharpie is often a wonderful means of doing this.

(Say 'ello to my little fren')

Now, that all being said, I would also like to shine a light on a certain aspects of the boyfriend's disposition that, with the help of a good friend's perspective, irks me. It is the line, "I am a currently deployed US Marine." I would love to preface my next few statements with the fact that I deeply and truly appreciate our military and EVERYTHING they do and provide for us. The same as I respect our Fire and Police forces, for putting life and limb on the table in a poker game with death, so that we can sit back and play the penny slots with a nice free,8 oz, casino beer in hand. The next diatribe will be directed directly at this delightful dude.....

In this country you, just like anyone else, have the RIGHT to express your opinion. However, how dare you throw your profession in our faces! We, the teachers, healers, lawyers, football players,business people, valets,

(Valets are fuckin' crooks!!! Where are my Sunglasses?)

waiters, babysitters, dogwalkers, fathers, brothers, sisters, mothers and Union, local number 734, would love to state that we perform valuable services for our country too. We keep it going so you have something to come back to! In fact, our tax dollars are paying your salary and allowing you to sit around on leave and play cards, drink beers, and live an excuse free life which our freedom also provides you. We all fight for it in our own way and your profession is no more valuable or less valuable then our own. I have been taught to be humble in what I do, NOT to throw it in people's faces to make my point stick home further. "Hello I perform a valuable service for my country, please let me cut the line, get 10% off caramel macchiatos and thank me constantly for my sacrifice. By the way, I am a bus driver"

(So expensive...wish I could get it free)

This makes no sense what so ever. Have a gripe about your girlfriends mistreatment. Have a gripe so much in fact, that you ACTUALLY ask her to be held accountable for her actions instead of those around her. Maybe this will keep her out of hot water next time. Better yet, set an example for her. Show respect for your fellow Americans by not throwing what you are "doing for us" directly in our visages. Then maybe she will see what a stand up guy is meant to be doing and follow suit. Then maybe we will want to hear what you both have to say. This will keep you and your missy thinking ahead and hopefully out of therapy some years down the line. My prayers are with you.

That is all for now. Measure twice, cut once my friends....

"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."
-Ernest Hemingway

-4th and Long